1  "Frustrated by versatility"
2  "The fear wins."
3  "Nothing is ever enough."
4  "What should I do with my life?" 
5  "Gifted Young Daughters"
6  "The relationship scale"
7  "How can I help my wife?"
8  "Losing My Giftedness?"
9  "Hiding Out to Have a Social Life"
10  "Are These Things Normal?"
11  "Productive member of society"
12  "Sibling rivalry"
13  "Do we burn out?"
14  "Should be doing more"

~ ~ ~ ~

1 "Frustrated by versatility"

JS wrote "I am now 30 and very frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to get on a clear career path. I can do lots of different things very well and instead of being an asset it seems to confuse people, including myself. Modern society seems to want specialists, people with clear cut skills. I am frustrated by the fact that my versatility is not rewarded but more often seems to work against me. Is this a common complaint among gifted women and how do others deal with this?"

~ ~ 

[response] Yes, in my experience anyway, this is common. Even for women in my support groups who have well-established careers, they express frustration at having "too many" interests and skills. One of the downsides of multiple talents is the expectation from yourself and others that you will do everything you are capable of - or that you're simply interested in. But just because as a gifted person you can do it, or can learn to do it more readily than others, doesn't mean it is what you really want or need to do.

In her book "Remarkable Women - Perspectives on Female Talent Development", Kathleen Noble writes "The male model of achievement and and success... can leave one exhausted in body and spirit, alienated, and disconnected from oneself and others. Mastering this challenge [to balance work, relationships and time alone] is not a simple matter of saying 'I cannot do it all'; more significantly, it demands that we say 'I will not.'"

In her new book "Smart Girls Two", Barbara Kerr talks about the drive for finding and realizing gifts: "I have observed in counseling talented adults that gifts seem to have their own insistence on acknowledgement. I never try to understand a musician separately from her music, or a scientist apart from her research, because if these outlets for talents are thwarted, the entire personality is threatened... Whenever a gift makes itself known - the the twelve year old who suddenly discovers the beauty and strength of her artwork, or the forty year old who at last gives way to her urge to create - that experience should be treated with respect, awe, and a sense of responsibility. It is the beginning of a heroic journey. For the gifted woman, actualizing talents in a vocation is not acting like a man; it is her ultimate stage of development as a woman, a way of joining the wild women, heroes, and healers who define female courage and goodness. For the gifted woman, self-actualization should not be optional."

Another quality that seems to me to often go with multipotentiality is having interests, even passionate drives, that engage one for a time and then fade, to be replaced by new ones. Many non-gifted people don't seem to operate that way. And it may be one reason we often feel we're rudderless. But why not keep changing and doing what interests you at that phase of your life, rather than trying <to figure out what I REALLY WANT to do> as some kind of solidified life-path?

When I interviewed Jodie Foster recently about her new film "Contact" she said she was drawn to her character (radio astronomer Ellie Arroway) "mostly for her sort of singular, obsessive passion. That's something that I really wanted to keep, and I know is a big part of my life. I tend to be incredibly singular about what I'm fascinated by, and I can't seem to see anything else. And hers has much more longevity than mine does; usually mine last about four months."

So someone as gifted and accomplished as Jodie Foster can have interests that last "only" four months. It would be interesting to know if she thinks she has to figure out what she really wants to do.

~ ~ ~ ~

2  "The fear wins"

AW wrote: "I am relentlessly self critical, cannot seem to enjoy my successes, and somehow manage to sabatoge myself in many ways. I am painfully sensitive and perceptive. I work alone as a marketing/advertising consultant and graphic designer. I am sure any success will be followed by my being "discovered" as a failure. Yet, I am talented in many areas. Multifaceted, complex. I want to learn more about this in the hope that there iis a way out of this self-limiting process. Yes, as a child I was hypersensitive to criticism. I was denied praise for my straight "A's" because an older sister was a slow learner and the family didn't want her to feel bad. I was told that I should not (and did not) go to college, that I would just "waste" an education because I would get married and stay home with babies. I had a difficult time after my second child (both adopted) because there was no time or energy for my intellectual life. I felt completely stifled. I am in constant conflict between my urge to excell and fear of excelling. The fear wins. "

~ ~ 

[response] What are you really thinking and feeling when you talk about "fear of excelling"? What changes in your life, e.g. in how others respond, are of concern to you? It might be helpful to start listing the specifics of these concerns, to see more about why "fear wins."

Being denied praise, or in other ways having your talents discounted, both in childhood and as an adult, are often crippling influences. How much real and significant support are you getting from people for your growth now? Are there others who continually erode or undermine your energies, causing an emotional undertow? Support groups for gifted women can be immensely valuable in providing meaningful feedback and encouragement - maybe you could start one.

In a conference on America Online ("From Good Girls to Great Women", April 18, 1996) Marie Wilson, President of the Ms Foundation for Women, said "It's important to take small risks at 'badness'... not smiling all the time... I think just earrings that could tell us to say what we're thinking more often would help... We did a big survey this year and what girls say is that they're overwhelmed by their feelings for others so often that they don't know theirs." Some of the gifted women I work with talk about how difficult it is to carve out time and space for themselves, for crafting their own lives, and that sometimes children, husbands or others resent them not being the "ideal superwoman" to meet all their needs. But being "selfish" is sometimes what you need to do, and it pays off for everyone.

~ ~ ~ ~

3  "Nothing is ever enough"

SF wrote "I'm a singer, songwriter, writer, and the perfect daughter, ya know? Everyone thinks I'm so smart and talented that nothing is ever enough, if that makes sense. I've felt nothing but pressure all my life to be something I just can't live up to. I have health problems that keep me down, so I'm "lazy". I suffer from depression, so I'm "in a mood". Why can't anyone see me? I mean me, not that image they want me to live up to!"

----

[response] So many others view someone identified as gifted and talented as some freak of nature, with boundless reserves of energy, compassion, time and optimism - some kind of perfected human. Is that reasonable? Or realistic? In his new book "Eccentrics - A study of Sanity and Strangeness", David Weeks quotes an artist, Anita: "People think that just because I'm a woman, I must be caring, nurturing, and 'people-oriented.' They just can't believe that I prefer my own company. They don't realize that my happiest times are when I'm alone with my painting and music.. I don't think male artists are quizzed so much about their social lives. People respect their need for solitude. When a male artist says he wants to shut himself and create, they say her's serious about his work. When I do it, I'm either being selfish or I have a psychological problem."

You say people don't really see you, but rather "that image they want me to live up to" - how do your respond to presumptions or demands that you do that? For example, do you tend to make yourself available for anyone, or at least to take on any task when someone says "You're the only one that can do this"? How "well-adjusted" or accommodating are you, particularly to the demands and attitudes of family members? Jodie Foster has commented "Basically, I see family as a bunch of strangers that you're stuck with in a huge elevator. They're not the people you choose, and you're being forced to hold hands for the rest of your life with a bunch of people you have nothing in common with and who get on your nerves."

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4  "What should I do with my life?"

    ~~~~~~~

LL wrote "I am 34 yrs. old now and have not had any education above High School or been trained for anything but to be a wife and mother as my religion dictated. I am single, and I cannot have children. What do I do now? I don't even know where to start, and starting is terrifying to me. I can't even drive a car. I feel completely overwhelmed. I am a brilliant poet and story writer. My people skills are excellent. But what do I do with myself to make enough money to live? I find myself suddenly without family and church, and I am lost. Any suggestions?"

-----

[response] There really is no "answer" to give - only the individual can decide for herself what she wants for her life, where to use her talents - or when not to use them. But some career counselors and psychologists who work with the gifted do have suggestions to help resolve the confusion of too many options. One of the classic questions to ask is simply "What do you really want to do - what do you truly enjoy? But you have to really get outside your intellect, away from analyzing all the potential ramifications of your choices, and set aside all the "distorting factors" of practical reality like earning a living or being a mother or being concerned with what your lover will think. All those questions can be dealt with later, but they can stop your imagination cold.

So if you are a brilliant systems analyst, or trained in psychology, or can help others resolve marital problems - whatever your talents - the real question is, what really ignites your heart? Where do you feel alive? And maybe you can use your talents in a totally new way, outside any common or traditional vocation.

Career consultant Joan Sotkin (joan@rfl.com) in a recent edition of her Resources for Life newsletter (by email and at web site http://www.rfl.com) noted that three common life visions or desires are "travel", "start my own business" or "write a book". But she pointed out that those are all vague, and that you need to get very concrete and specific. For example - again, thinking about it as if money were not an issue - exactly what kind of book would you like to write? Or where would you travel, with what kinds of people, using what transportation, what kinds of activities along the way?

This can be a very demanding exercise, requiring much courage, and may help bring out some of the perceptions and attitudes we can harbor about what is "appropriate" or "possible" for us to do in life. And gifted people are not immune to self-defeating thoughts about their potentials or their identity.

In their article "Counseling Talented Adults" (Advanced Development Journal, January, 1991), professors of psychology Barbara Kerr and Charles Claiborn note that "Traditional career counseling techniques which emphasize matching clients' abilities and interests with job characteristics may be of little or no use to the young gifted adult. Instead, an approach based on identifying the most deeply held values and planning life goals which actualize those values, may be the treatment of choice. Career development then becomes the search for meaning rather than the search for a job. Sometimes, the talented adult must create for himself or herself the job which will be most fulfilling."

Professor Barbara Kerr (in her new book "Smart Girls Two: A New Psychology of Girls, Women and Giftedness") also writes about a more insidious factor in personal fulfillment: "All barriers are at work for some gifted women, none for others, a combination of certain ones at certain times for most. The fact is that many patterns of adjustment characterize being female and gifted.

"However, there is an internal barrier to achievement that ironically is not related to any unhealthy psychological state... Resulting from a healthy state, combined with an accommodating personality, this barrier is psychological adjustment, the resourceful adaptation to the environment, of compromising and adjusting in order to cope or to survive psychologically... From the earliest research on the gifted, it was clear that of all groups, gifted girls are the most adept at adjusting; in fact, gifted girls are of low status by virtue of their sex, and different by virtue of their intelligence. Hence, if the [communications] theory is true, they have indeed been required to adjust repeatedly to the dominant group, perhaps more often than anyone else. What makes their situation most poignant to me is that their giftedness must so often be applied to these extraordinary feats of adjustment, rather than to the attainment of their dreams."

She further notes: "It may seem a peculiar comparison, adjustment to a disability and the career development of gifted women. However, when one examines the adjustment of gifted women to their often-restricted roles as wives, mothers, teachers and nurses, strong similarities appear, for gifted women often seem to be adjusting to the disability of being female. Denial is rampant in the teen years: nothing is wrong, there is no problem with being a female. The teenager says she will be a doctor, get married, and take off for eighteen years to raise children. Or, there is no problem with being gifted; it's perfectly all right when gifted women drop out of college to marry because their giftedness wasn't real. Later comes the bargaining. The gifted woman will hold back on her education to put her husband through medical school if he will do the same for her.

"She will move to another city with him if he will move when she gets a big break. She will have a child if he will help out so she can finish her thesis. The anger stage seldom reaches full flower in a gifted woman. More often, it is expressed in apathy, cynicism, or depression. After years of supporting her husband's education, she gives up on her own ambitions in mild irritation. It's too late to cope with being a student.... Acceptance comes when the anger has passed. She understands that she is gifted and has not really fulfilled her potential, but she also understands that she is a female, and that her experiences are simply typical for women in American society... And so it is her healthy adjustment that prevents achievement, her admirable self-acceptance."

----

Finding a calling or multiple callings, paths to fulfill your talents, a life mission, or just a "good job" are very complex issues for gifted women. There is no "right way" to do it, and perhaps no permanent career. But isn't it in front of all of us to do? It is also very important to keep getting the emotional support you need while on the journey.

============

5  "Gifted Young Daughters"

~~~~~~~~~

LC wrote <I have always known I was gifted, but for one reason or another I haven't used it to the fulest potental. My question is that my daughter who just turned 5 has begun to show real signs of being gifted. Just the other day she sat down and started to right the alphabet from a book, all her letter where legiable. At school the teachers all say she is very artistic and she will spend several hours doing art projects. Is there anything I as her mother can do to help her utilize her gift to the fullest potental?>

-------------

[response] Recently I interviewed a friend of mine for a possible magazine article (in Gifted Child Today -- another good resource for you to look into) and she said one of her main challenges as the mother of a gifted 9 year old son is to "allow his giftedness to blossom. There's a fine line between allowing it to blossom, and pushing it. I try not to force him, and yet to leave the opening there to allow it. For example, he's allowed to get my guitar out if he wants to. If he wants to paint, I'll get the stuff together. When we took a trip to Mexico, and went swimming with the dolphins, he painted me a picture of a sunset with two dolphins, but it's very stylized... his own style, abstract, not photorealistic. And I asked him again, as I have over the years, if he wanted to take art classes, and his answer is always 'No.' His reasoning is that they'll make him do it their way. And he wants to do it his way. I think that's an interesting lesson to watch and learn."

Marilyn Mosley, Director of the Laurel Springs School near Los Angeles, renowned for its excellent homeschooling curriculum and for having as students many gifted young actors, has written that "Independent Study, which puts the needs, abilities, and aspirations of the student first, has become the wave of the future... education means more to us than just completing courses. We are interested in who you are, and who you want to be. Many of the qualities that distinguish you as a unique human being are not fostered in traditional education systems, but they are important to us. Developing these qualities and gifts is as essential to your education as the grades you receive. They include: communicating well; learning how to learn; knowing how to concentrate when needed; knowing how to find information; feeling deeply and acting wisely; and most important, knowing yourself."

So perhaps the most helpful approach in helping a child reach their highest potential is to have an attitude of nourishing and facilitation. A gifted child is likely to find their own interests to pursue, and it seems to me the best you can do as a parent is to offer whatever help you can for her to explore those interests, without putting value judgments on the subjects or on how long your daughter seemed to be interested. But at the same time, what about your own needs and interests? They are important also.

One of the ways to help your daughter may simply be to encourage her to be as authentic and expressive as possible about her experience - her perceptions and attitudes about what she is facing. Not that you aren't doing that already - but you mentioned your intensity overwhelming others: perhaps it makes communication more difficult.

There are many issues that may be affecting her. In an article "Facilitating the Career Development of Gifted Young Women" (Roeper Review, Volume 13, No. 3, 1991) Constance Hollinger wrote: "By adolescence, the young gifted female has experienced over a decade of sex-role socialization and societal stereotypes. As a result, many of these young women have learned to: fear success...; avoid mathematics and the sciences...; refuse to assert themselves...; lower their expectations for academic and career achievement...; attribute their successes, especially in nontraditional areas such as math, to diligence, effort and acquired skill rather than ability...; and perceive themselves as lacking the agentic attributes (attributes central to the protection, maintenance, and enhancement of the individual self) essential for controlling their own destinies."

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6  "The relationship scale"

   ~~~~~~~

Lori wrote: <how do we come to terms with going out with someone that isn't as intellegent as ourselves? this seems to be an accepted norm for men, but women really have to struggle with this. i don't want to sound hubris, but i am a bit more intellegent then my lover...and here is the problem, because i've been trained by society to rely on my man to have all the answers (this i believe, is a problem that STILL exists!), and i know that i usually have to do the problem solving in our relationship, how do i keep from judging my lover and being unfair to him? a part of me really loves the fact that i'm the one that is problem solving. and the other part of me is getting mad because i have to do the problem solving. i believe this conflict arises from my up bringing, (by the way i'm 35) with womens lib and my mother's own struggles about her womanhood.>

-----

[response] Rather than evaluate what your father's thinking is (and he is only one person, after all) or what his attitude "says" - what do you think? Do you have a sense that you would be happy with a mate, friend, lover, whatever, regardless of each of your relative positions on some scale of aptitude, economics, moral value etc.? What really matters to your happiness and fulfillment?

If connecting with someone more intellectually astute (or more artistic, or more verbally fluent or more socially aware etc. etc.) would "make" you feel less, does it make sense to pursue or nurture that connection? Or is there perhaps some shift to be made in your self-perception so that such a relationship would not be hurtful?

Many of the gifted women I have had the pleasure of working with also talk about being very cautious not to "stand out", but rather to suppress their differentness. That seems to be another, more self-imposed way to "keep you feeling somehow less".

In her book "Remarkable Women - Perspectives on Female Talent Development", Kathleen Noble, referring to a number of other writers work as well as her own, notes "Women and girls are continually bombarded with pervasive, powerful, and media-generated images that focus their attentions on false quests for beauty, eternal youth, and undying love, and exhort them to trade their dreams for a life lived 'happily ever after' in someone else's shadow."

And, as you note, women are often <trained by society to rely on my man to have all the answers>

How much are your needs and expectations in this relationship based on those "false quests" and how much on your real interests and values?

It may be "an accepted norm for men" to date women who are not intellectual mates, but it also isn't "acceptable" for some of us men. But what counts, to me, is how the relationship is working for you over all. You say you are concerned about <judging my lover and being unfair to him> and <getting mad because i have to do the problem solving> -- How are you judging him? As inferior in some areas of competence you value? What about other areas? Is he more capable than you in some ways that "balance" his lack? Does he meet your needs in enough ways to compensate for your being more competent?

And what thoughts do you have that are connected with your feelings of anger and resentment? Writing down those thoughts, and really looking at them (without judgments of them being "right" or "wrong" or "insightful" or "stupid"), can be very helpful. You asked about judging your lover and <being unfair to him> -- but what about you? Are you being fair to your own needs for growth and fulfillment?

This gets back to one of the themes of Dr. Noble's book, and here's another quote from her:

"Resilience is not a static or unidimensional trait, but a trifold process of recognizing and resisting the intrinsic and extrinsic obstacles that inhibit the development of one's potential and taking responsibility for the evolution of ourselves, our cultures and our world. It takes tremendous courage to live one's life from this perspective.... The road to resilience begins when a woman confronts anything that disregards or denies her talents and gifts."

==========

7  "How can I help my wife?"

I believe I understand the societal barriers placed on women and believe I am sensitive to my wife's expressed desire to develop her gifts... She has expressed that she does not know what she wants to do, no goals or aspirations. How can I help and remain a part of her experience? She is truly an awesome woman with unlimited ability.     Friend & Husband>

----

[response] One of the potentially disruptive "downsides" of giftedness is advanced potential, the capacity to do more than the average, and to be confused with so many possibilities. What interests has your wife brought up in conversations that she thinks and feels are true and authentic for her, regardless of the social value put on them? One woman I know who is very gifted, and has completed coursework for an advanced degree in psych, is lately making stuffed animals: not exactly something with great intellectual, moral or social "weight", right? - but so what? Are there interests your wife has talked about pursuing that either you or she have disparaged in some way, perhaps covertly, as "not good enough" for a gifted person to "waste their time on"?

You refer to her having ambitions she has not fulfilled, but then you state "she does not know what she wants to do, no goals or aspirations" - how unclear is she about her interests? What are the specific ambitions she is frustrated about not pursuing? What about her teaching music: is that still something that engages her mind and heart, or is there perhaps a new way, a new context to teach that would help her grow more into her talents. What specific changes can she identify that she needs to make and that you are preventing? Or is it really you doing the preventing? Change and growth aren't usually easy, are they?

The tone of your note is very supportive; you seem to really want to help her. Have you asked her directly what she thinks would be helpful for her? Maybe something as simple as a long weekend just for herself, away from the demands of homemaking and parenting, to explore her heart more. And maybe there are some ways you can explore with each other: go places you haven't been, etc..

Jean Houston in her autobiography "A Mythic Life" wrote "For I suddenly knew that we all contain "so much more" than we think we do. The image came to me of a house with many floors, and I saw that our ordinary awareness had us living on a shelf in the attic of our selves, leaving the other floors relatively uninhabited and the basement locked. What furnishings and books, what interesting artworks and appliances, what family, friends and pets are to be found in the rooms of the many-mansioned self? Treasure troves of suchness and muchness, to be sure, powers and potentials, archetypes and inner beloveds, but also grand dreams and dramas are always burgeoning within the interior castle."

==========

8  "Losing My Giftedness?"

------

[response] Although being gifted and talented usually means exceptional, with high levels of talent or ability in a variety of areas, it doesn't mean ALL areas. You wrote "Math was never my strong suit" - so that may be an area of talent that isn't strong for you. You point out that you are excelling in humanities, language and creative subjects: it sounds like that is where you are blossoming. What does it matter if you don't do well in "technical and concrete" subjects? What do you think? Do you see that as being deficient in some way? Does your mom think so?

Psychologist Deirdre Lovecky ("Creative Connections: Perspectives on Female Giftedness", Advanced Development Journal, Jan., 1993) believes that although some women may excel in areas usually dominated by men, e.g the "hard" sciences, "since women have learned other ways of expressing the fullness of their giftedness in empathic connections, producing a product that requires compartmentalizing one's giftedness may be less desirable for gifted women. Why would one want to be gifted in a context that allows only expression of one part of oneself?"

In her new book "Smart Girls Two" Barbara Kerr writes about some of the other aspects: "The major research studies paint an interesting portrait of the gifted girl's adolescence. She is still achieving academically, but she is also beginning to have different needs and to respond to those needs. Or she's become so concerned with conformity and the right clothes that she daydreams while her grades slip... The beginnings of underachievement are too subtle to be detected in grade point average, and gifted adolescent girls' underachievement may first appear in their selection of courses. In high school, more bright girls than bright boys opt for less challenging courses. Not only do they often reject the 'hard sciences' like physics and the advanced math courses; they also avoid the more rigorous social studies courses such as European history... The American Association of University Women's study (1991) [showed] a plunge in self-esteem between ages eleven and seventeen... Gifted girls and women are basically psychologically healthy. If they underachieve, society should not label them victims of disorders but rather should recognize gifted girls and women as normal, whole individuals who simply may not be functioning at the upper limits of their abilities, for they live in a world that cannot easily accept or make use of their exceptional talents."

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9  "Hiding Out to Have a Social Life"

How can I be true to myself while not isolating myself further? I am very outgoing and social, but it's so hard to find people I can relate to, that I usually hide my true self just to have a social life. This makes me feel stifled and unhappy, but I'm choosing that route over loneliness. What can I do??>

-----

[response]    This isolation, not fitting in, difficulty finding others to relate to, etc., seems to be an almost inevitable aspect of being exceptional, being gifted. It isn't "normal" after all, being exceptional: you're part of a relatively small subset of the mass population.

Other women contributors to the message board [on AOL] have commented on this: TDwrote <It doesn't matter what sex you're dealing with... intimidation, isolation, loneliness, and confusion still exist when one refuses to fit into the roles that others wish you to play.>

And BB wrote <I have known since I was school age that I was smarter than the average child, without being tagged as "gifted". As well as school, I did extremely well in the work environment. However, I didn't realize the downside of this (i.e. depression, isolation, inability to relate to the masses on a personal level).>

Kathleen Noble, in her book Remarkable Women - Perspectives on Female Talent Development, writes about a gifted woman: "Jane commented that she never felt really free to be herself as a lesbian, an engineer, and a radical feminist until she left her midwestern home for the West Coast. There she found a community of people with similar political opinions and social lives."

In an article ("Of blue collars and ivory towers: Women from blue-collar backgrounds in higher education..", Vol. 18, Roeper Review,1995) Signe Miller wrote: "Lorraine Hansberry once said, "The thing that makes you exceptional if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also makes you lonely" (quoted in Schaef, A.W., "Meditations for women who do too much."). Gifted women from working class backgrounds are not only plagued by isolation in the academy, but over time they also lose connections with family and hometown friends. Much of the basis for this is in loss of commonality, a growing apart due to the fact that what she does for a living is nearly incomprehensible to those left behind in the blue-collar world. Many women report discussing their careers less and less with their families and old friends. /// In order to survive and retain some type of relationship with family and hometown friends, many women spoke about changing their dialect and language when speaking to family, especially about their careers."

IM, how much are you sacrificing the growth and expression of your talents in order to have social contacts, and keep away loneliness? You write that you are <very outgoing and social> -- maybe there is a way you can exercise those valuable personal qualities (which I envy somewhat, being a dyed in the wool introvert) in a way or in a venue or a role that doesn't stifle you; e.g. perhaps working as an organization leader where your talents are utilized, and you still have social contact, but in a different way than the other members have.

Hiding abilities, or denying, disparaging or choosing not to develop abilities in order to survive socially, is a common experience of gifted women, at least at some stage in their lives. Other challenges reported by various research studies and listed by Kathleen Noble in her article "Living Out the Promise of High Potential: Perceptions of 100 Gifted Women" (Advanced Development Journal, January, 1989) include gifted women receiving ambivalent messages from the educational system about developing their potential; internalization of such ambivalence leading to compromised self-esteem, lowered self-confidence, doubt about competence; gifted women being threatening to males and females in positions of authority; gifted girls and women being more open to psychic or spiritual experiences.

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10  "Are These Things Normal?"

I actually have two questions:

1) I have been self-diagnosed as a cyclothymic and on prescribed lithium for the last two years......Lithium seems to help, because it actually seems to help focus me, dampen extraneous sexual desire, and prevent butterflies like nervouusness. I am now concerned, and wonder if it is really a god-send or not.....

2) Lately, I have found myself being drawn to relationships with younger men....much younger. In my self-analyzation, I see that it works for me, because they can respect my independence and individuality, and basically want a good friend and a good f___.....but, I have gotten a lot of flak from friends and family, and now hear that it might be a "control" issue. I don't see myself as being the "controlling" type......at least I dont believe that I try to control others, yet I like to have a lot of internal, personal control.....

Please, tell me if these things are "normal" in the realm of gifted women, and please tell me to keep right on going wth my pre-destined path. Constructive suggestions and criticism are welcome and appreciated.>

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[response] Mari - first of all, whatever I can offer here is just perspective, opinion, whatever. I don't even want to call it advice or suggestion: that sounds too authoritative. Especially in the area of medication or therapy, I do not want to make any evaluations or "prescriptions". But, I will say a number of gifted women I've known and worked with in support groups (which I'm not doing currently) have used lithium or antidepressants, and found real benefit in doing so.

What exactly are your concerns using lithium? Are there some symptoms or issues you aren't discussing with your psych? There are discussions about mood disorders and a variety of allopathic and alternative treatments elsewhere in Online Psych and a variety of places on the WWW that might be helpful.

You characterize your relationships with younger men as working for you, except for getting a lot of flak from others: What business is it of theirs? Are they having breakfast with the two of you? Gifted women seem to inevitably draw various forms of flak, ire, envy, even outright hostility, often couched in psychobabble like "controlling type". But where's the truth of the situation; what is really going on with you and your partners? Without that external criticism, what would you be thinking, feeling about these relationships, these men?

You mention a "psychologically messed up" family -- to what extent is that history affecting your current values, beliefs and interests, and behavior? Not that any of us live in some kind of "pure" and totally self-realized state of ultimate mental health, right? But are there some kinds of emotional or thought patterns showing up often for you? How about perfectionism?

Finally, this whole idea of "normal" is something a lot of us, whatever gender, have struggled with -- but some of the most wonderful women I know have pretty much abandoned it as a value; why be normal when you're blessed with exceptional qualities? Are any of the historical or contemporary women that you'd consider gifted what you'd call normal?

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11   "Productive member of society"

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[response] Finding a <line of ocassional work for pay I could be satisfied with that still would leave me much time for me?> is a creative challenge for any of us who aren't "normal" and don't fit into mainstream culture, values and occupations. And it sounds like your family embraces the idea that we all have to be some sort of "productive member of society" -- regardless of your interests and drives.

You might find some value in reading biographies of gifted artists, and have some informational "fuel" for yourself and your family that people don't have to follow standard, typical, cookie-cutter paths in life to be fulfilled.

For gifted people, some really bizarre jobs can be worth doing. Two of mine that I still look back on with fondness are glue-testing in a chemical company lab, and collecting samples of sand on Cape Cod for a marine zoologist. Both paid only modestly, but allowed me the time and energy to use my mind a lot while still "on the job".

You are at an age where you can make some very meaningful choices about designing your life for you -- NOT for others. Your family may love you and all, but none of them will be the one living in your skin, feeling and thinking what you do, being passionate about what you are.

It may never be possible to convince anyone else to accept you or recognize you for who you really are. But people will discover you and will appreciate you if you are authentic. Being false to please anyone else is a sure way to stifle who you are.

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12  "Sibling rivalry"

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[response] Hiding your talents and abilities to avoid hurting other's feelings may have some short-term value, at least it may calm the family down, and that's what a lot of us grew up to think was "right and proper" -- that it was "evil" in some way to shake things up or be the cause of upsetting others.

But what about your feelings, your life? Depression and guilt are not trivial. If your therapist does not have an appreciation of gifted individuals, they may not be serving you as well as a more gifted therapist would. Perhaps your Advanced Psych teacher might know someone who would be better for you.

A colleague of mine (Mary Rocamora), who has counseled gifted people for many years, has noted that in the lives of a number of accomplished creative people is a family undertow: others telling them they are responsible for the ones in the family who aren't so successful: "Your younger brother can't get a job - it's up to you to support them, because you have all this money." The family of successful performers can be like quicksand, and very toxic. The mother of a prominent actress has used her daughter's celebrity status to get media attention for herself, and huge amounts of money. Another actress's mother has no intention of supporting her as a human being; she has this fantasy she is the one who got her daughter an agent and a job, so she owes her. The mother continues to be a predator toward her daughter's career and personal life.

The point is not that your family is like that, but people -- including family members -- can have some very distorted and hurtful reactions toward those who are talented and successful. And maybe <overcoming the sibling rivalry> isn't really your job. What is your sister's responsibility about her attitudes and feelings? Some sisters even get past the understandable jealousies of each other and find they have complementary talents, and even go into business together.

But what really counts is your own health and fulfillment, and it isn't up to you to fix other's feelings, is it?

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13   "Do we burn out?"

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[response]   Chris, when you say <people like me> what categories are you putting yourself into? Anything that looks like "victim", perhaps? If that fits for you, remember "It takes one to know one": I have put myself into that box a number of times in my life. Rather than being the <biggest tragedy> in your life, perhaps there is some meaningful and growth-enhancing potential for you in the malpractise case. Or not.

But your depression (again, I'm talking from first-hand experience) can so influence and color experiences that they turn rancid, when they were merely "unusual". Have you really explored <all available therapy options>? Not to discount it, but analysis may provide self-understanding, but not be as effective an approach to depression management as pharmacology or cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Possibly one of the key things you write is <It's very lonely out here> -- for gifted women especially (in my experience and in reading various experts in the area) finding nurturing and supportive others, male and female, is very difficult. You're in the minority anyway, and your divergent thinking, hypersensitivity or other qualities can make it very hard to connect with "normal" people. Your singing group may be invaluable on some levels, but are you able to connect deeply, personally with anyone there? And what level and quality of support do you get from your <college professor> husband?

Your question of how others <evolve and prosper> is one that keeps me interested in this work (writing about gifted women, hosting the Forum and my internet site etc.) and continually wondering. I haven't found any pat answers, but a couple of quotes come to mind:

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others." (Dancer Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille)

Kathleen Noble, in her book Remarkable Women - Perspectives on Female Talent Development wrote "I think resilience is the key... the way you go about enhancing resilience is to first of all recognize how critical a psychological factor it is. And the second thing is that a woman has to look at her life objectively in terms of the kinds of obstacles she confronts, has confronted, perhaps will confront. You've got to know what you're up against. I think the third part of resilience is reaching out. You have to be able to do that, for support, for nurturance, for commiseration. That can be reaching out to a book, reaching out to a group, another person in some way, or a therapist. Although the caveat there is to make sure your therapist is gifted, or else it can be an awful experience. Reaching out is really important, because I think a lot of women don't. We're really used to being there for other people, and not used to asking for help ourselves. And that's crucial." (Kathleen Noble)

So, to respond to <What is the outlook for people like me? Do we burn out? Self-destruct?> -- yes, and no. Some do, some don't. Profound answer, right. Your even asking those questions implies to me that you're in the category of those who survive being gifted. But it does take nurturing resilience, and being kind to yourself. Do whatever it takes to get through the night.

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14   "Should be doing more"

HC wrote: <As a child, it was determined that I was gifted (I am twenty now). I am in school as a pre-med student, have a full-time job, volunteer regularly, and have been on my own since age 18, with no help from my parents (not that they didn't want to help, I wouldn't accept any). Still, I always feel as though I am not doing enough, that I am not "living up to my potential", if you will. I have always felt like this, but it keeps getting worse. I keep having this fear that my IQ is dropping, and I am not as smart as I used to be (I make good grades, though...my GPA is 3.4). I keep feeling like I should be doing more. How can I get over this?>

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[response] Probably most of those who are gifted and multitalented, with capacities in many areas, regret lost opportunities. I too joined Mensa at around thirty, partly out of a need for validation that my being "different" was credible and not merely crazy. Maybe that's part of what is driving you to do postgraduate study.

There are, of course, many possible motivations and rewards for achieving advanced degrees. But what are you thinking when you say about going for a PhD: <I'll be 55 by the time I complete. It will serve no useful purpose>? By whose criteria? What would it serve for you personally? You're going to be 55 some day, whether or not you go after a degree, and if you don't pursue something you want to, then what do you have but regret that you didn't do it?

You also wrote <I just need to have some acknowledgment that I am as good as, if not better than, everyone else.> That certainly makes sense to me. I've been feeling that need most of my life. And a number of the many gifted women (and a few men) I've interviewed express the same compromised sense of self-esteem, self-regard, self-valuation -- especially in comparison with others. If pursuing a doctorate would help you gain in those areas, wouldn't that be serving a "useful purpose"? And many women make scientific, academic and artistic contributions in their maturity. Barring your demise or some catastrophe, you're only done being gifted and creative when you think you are.

Dissatisfaction at some level is one of the characteristics of most gifted people, it seems. Being gifted often includes being more aware, more sensitive and critical of self and others, and holding unusually high standards, and that translates, for many, to feeling of "should be doing more" -- no matter how much you may be doing.

One of the recurrent humor threads on the gifted women message board is a wry reference to Martha Stewart. Here's an example from a while ago, a post as though from MS: <I use an 18th century oak desk I found discarded in an old, abandoned mansion. I simply refinished it with 20 coats of hand rubbed tung oil. It has numerous pigeon holes in which I keep my embossed, hand made stationary (linen, of course), my collection of antique writing pens, writing ink (the things one can do with a mortar and pestal), sealing wax (I have my own beehives), etc.>

When you think <I always feel as though I am not doing enough, that I am not "living up to my potential"> what exactly do you have in mind IS your potential? One of the characteristics of gifted people is multipotentiality, which means more capacity to do more, and do better. But that necessarily means that you cannot possibly live up to that potential with only 24 hours a day, with only one lifetime. There must always be much left undone, unrealized. Which is part of that dissatisfaction again.

And may also relate to the idea of "losing IQ". If you don't keep studying and using a particular area of knowledge that can be tested to give you scores and grades, your IQ may drop. Does that mean you're "getting dumber", though, or might it mean you are engaging your intellect and rest of your being in ways that may not be quantifiable? And what do you want to do with yourself, regardless of whether it is a "smart" vocation or avocation?

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