Perfectionism: From the inside out or the outside in?
http://talentdevelop.com/articlelive/articles/1163/1/Perfectionism--From-the-inside-out-or-the-outside-in/Page1.html
Lisa Erickson
Lisa Erickson, MS, LMHC is an experienced Seattle counselor "when you want the next part of your life to be better than the first." Her clinical interests include the relationship between giftedness, addiction and trauma. http://www.lisaerickson.net
By Lisa Erickson
Published on 04/1/2011
I’ve been thinking about varieties of perfectionism since having a
discussion with a gifted trauma survivor. It became clear that some of
their perfectionism was an expression of giftedness and some was related
to family of origin issues. Same outcome, different sources. Does the
source of perfectionism matter? I think it does. By understanding the
differences we can clarify what can be embraced and managed, and what
can be healed. Different sources, different strategies.
I’ve been thinking about varieties of perfectionism since having a
discussion with a gifted trauma survivor. It became clear that some of
their perfectionism was an expression of giftedness and some was related
to family of origin issues. Same outcome, different sources. Does the
source of perfectionism matter? I think it does. By understanding the
differences we can clarify what can be embraced and managed, and what
can be healed. Different sources, different strategies.[Also see El Perfeccionismo: ¿Se trae por dentro o viene de afuera?]
I’ve been thinking about varieties of perfectionism since having a discussion with a gifted trauma survivor.
It became clear that some of their perfectionism was an expression of giftedness and some was related to family of origin issues.
Same outcome, different sources.
Does the source of perfectionism matter? I think it does.
By understanding the differences we can clarify what can be embraced and managed, and what can be healed. Different sources, different strategies.
Much has been written about perfectionism and its relationship with giftedness.
The gifted person is driven to express their interests and pursuits. Perfectionism is about passion, energy, and focus.
The person may feel exhausted, tortured and frustrated, but the process can be interesting and rewarding, too.
If their creative endeavor falls short, the gifted person pushes onward to get as close as they can to what they envision. Perfectionism is connected to developmental potential and entelechy. It is the determination to be the best one can be.
This type of perfectionism is rooted internally in giftedness. It is intrinsic. It moves from the “inside out”.
Another type of perfectionism is rooted in having an impaired parent (or two).
This type of perfectionism is a response to outside circumstances.
It is a consequence of abandonment and neglect. Its source is external.
This perfectionism is an adaptation. It moves from the “outside in”.
Every child needs parents who are capable and healthy, especially psychologically.
A child’s normal development is undermined if the parent is impaired, especially if the impairment is chronic, and minimized or denied.
The child will try hard to be who their parent wants them to be and fill in the gaps however they can.
The child hopes that their efforts will restore the parent to health. This is true of all children, gifted or not.
A gifted child may be particularly vulnerable to being exploited by an impaired parent, especially if their gifts lend themselves to caretaking, or to helping the parent realize the parent’s own unfulfilled dreams.
The caretaking can take many forms. The child may become amusing when the parent is sad, responsible when the parent is incapable, accomplished when the parent is inadequate.
Gifted children can be a great source of “narcissistic supply” for their parent.
But in doing so, the child’s development is compromised as their own needs become subsumed under the needs of the parent. These sometimes Herculean childhood efforts have profound and predictable effects on children, one of which is perfectionism.
If the child does not feel intrinsically loveable, they may decide unconsciously that love must be earned or won.
They might think to themselves that if they are perfect, maybe their parent’s problems will be eased and love will be their reward.
Perfectionism appears to be a solution to their difficulties.
The child is unaware that this is unreasonable.
This notion is driven by their difficult circumstances; it is extrinsic. It comes from the “outside in”, not from the “inside out”.
This type of perfectionism can be linked to procrastination. Procrastination is an indicator that completing the task perfectly is not likely to produce the unconsciously hoped for result.
And shaming oneself into trying harder only increases the impasse.
Surprisingly, procrastination can be the voice of reason counteracting the unreasonable belief that perfection is the solution.
Procrastination is a natural consequence.
Perfectionism that is associated with parental impairment can be healed.
By focusing on claiming one’s true self, this “outside in” type of perfectionism loosens its grip, and as a result, the tendency to procrastinate resolves.
Thankfully, giftedness is associated with resilience.
For the gifted person who grew up caretaking an impaired parent, both types of perfectionism are likely present.
Being able to discern the difference can help one be compassionate towards oneself.
Resilience and determination can help the gifted person heal and harness the power of their positive drive to enjoy life more fully.
The gifted person can use their resilience to live more from the “inside out”.
Profile from the page Counselors / therapists and related resources :
Lisa Erickson, MS, LMHC Seattle, Washington
My clinical interests include the relationship between giftedness, addiction and trauma. For the gifted, I help them awaken to their giftedness and associated character traits, and integrate this awareness with their work, creativity, and relationships with self and others. I have extensive experience working with addictions, and have helped many people learn to manage their intensity and their sense of differentness without using substances or addictive processes.
I have been a psychotherapist for over 30 years. For 25 years I was an adjunct professor in a graduate psychology program teaching courses such as professional ethics and substance abuse and addictions. I also train other clinicians via continuing education classes on a variety of subjects including learning about the clinical presentation and treatment implications of giftedness. My training schedule is posted on my website with links to the sponsoring organizations.
I can be reached at 206-352-0363 or via my website at http://www.lisaerickson.net
~~~~~~
Photo added: Emily Browning, Jim Carrey, Liam Aiken in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004), from article Why Does The World Suffer From An Epidemic Of Low Self-Esteem? By Morty Lefkoe
I’ve been thinking about varieties of perfectionism since having a discussion with a gifted trauma survivor.
It became clear that some of their perfectionism was an expression of giftedness and some was related to family of origin issues.
Same outcome, different sources.
Does the source of perfectionism matter? I think it does.
By understanding the differences we can clarify what can be embraced and managed, and what can be healed. Different sources, different strategies.
Much has been written about perfectionism and its relationship with giftedness.
The gifted person is driven to express their interests and pursuits. Perfectionism is about passion, energy, and focus.
The person may feel exhausted, tortured and frustrated, but the process can be interesting and rewarding, too.
If their creative endeavor falls short, the gifted person pushes onward to get as close as they can to what they envision. Perfectionism is connected to developmental potential and entelechy. It is the determination to be the best one can be.
This type of perfectionism is rooted internally in giftedness. It is intrinsic. It moves from the “inside out”.
Another type of perfectionism is rooted in having an impaired parent (or two).
This type of perfectionism is a response to outside circumstances.
It is a consequence of abandonment and neglect. Its source is external.
This perfectionism is an adaptation. It moves from the “outside in”.
Every child needs parents who are capable and healthy, especially psychologically.
A child’s normal development is undermined if the parent is impaired, especially if the impairment is chronic, and minimized or denied. The child will try hard to be who their parent wants them to be and fill in the gaps however they can.
The child hopes that their efforts will restore the parent to health. This is true of all children, gifted or not.
A gifted child may be particularly vulnerable to being exploited by an impaired parent, especially if their gifts lend themselves to caretaking, or to helping the parent realize the parent’s own unfulfilled dreams.
The caretaking can take many forms. The child may become amusing when the parent is sad, responsible when the parent is incapable, accomplished when the parent is inadequate.
Gifted children can be a great source of “narcissistic supply” for their parent.
But in doing so, the child’s development is compromised as their own needs become subsumed under the needs of the parent. These sometimes Herculean childhood efforts have profound and predictable effects on children, one of which is perfectionism.
If the child does not feel intrinsically loveable, they may decide unconsciously that love must be earned or won.
They might think to themselves that if they are perfect, maybe their parent’s problems will be eased and love will be their reward.
Perfectionism appears to be a solution to their difficulties.
The child is unaware that this is unreasonable.
This notion is driven by their difficult circumstances; it is extrinsic. It comes from the “outside in”, not from the “inside out”.
This type of perfectionism can be linked to procrastination. Procrastination is an indicator that completing the task perfectly is not likely to produce the unconsciously hoped for result.
And shaming oneself into trying harder only increases the impasse.
Surprisingly, procrastination can be the voice of reason counteracting the unreasonable belief that perfection is the solution.
Procrastination is a natural consequence.
Perfectionism that is associated with parental impairment can be healed.
By focusing on claiming one’s true self, this “outside in” type of perfectionism loosens its grip, and as a result, the tendency to procrastinate resolves.
Thankfully, giftedness is associated with resilience.
For the gifted person who grew up caretaking an impaired parent, both types of perfectionism are likely present.
Being able to discern the difference can help one be compassionate towards oneself.
Resilience and determination can help the gifted person heal and harness the power of their positive drive to enjoy life more fully.
The gifted person can use their resilience to live more from the “inside out”.
PERFECTIONISM
|
As an expression of giftedness |
As a response to an impaired parent |
|
Intrinsically motivated |
Extrinsically motivated |
|
Enhances the sense of self |
Undermines the sense of self |
|
An expression of developmental potential |
Inhibits developmental potential |
|
Can increase a sense of agency |
Is not associated with agency |
|
About fulfilling own expectations |
About fulfilling others’ expectations |
|
Not related to procrastination |
Often related to procrastination |
|
Needs to be managed to better serve self |
Needs to be healed |
Profile from the page Counselors / therapists and related resources :
Lisa Erickson, MS, LMHC Seattle, Washington
My clinical interests include the relationship between giftedness, addiction and trauma. For the gifted, I help them awaken to their giftedness and associated character traits, and integrate this awareness with their work, creativity, and relationships with self and others. I have extensive experience working with addictions, and have helped many people learn to manage their intensity and their sense of differentness without using substances or addictive processes.
I have been a psychotherapist for over 30 years. For 25 years I was an adjunct professor in a graduate psychology program teaching courses such as professional ethics and substance abuse and addictions. I also train other clinicians via continuing education classes on a variety of subjects including learning about the clinical presentation and treatment implications of giftedness. My training schedule is posted on my website with links to the sponsoring organizations.
I can be reached at 206-352-0363 or via my website at http://www.lisaerickson.net
~~~~~~
Photo added: Emily Browning, Jim Carrey, Liam Aiken in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004), from article Why Does The World Suffer From An Epidemic Of Low Self-Esteem? By Morty Lefkoe