The loud laughter ricochets through the restaurant. A bright red dress seems to shout as it sways on a woman’s hips.

The talents of another person are multiple and many. That one friend goes on and on, riffing quickly and widely on all the topics he’s obsessed with.

It’s all a bit too much, isn’t it? Shouldn’t these people tone it down?

But says who? Who decides what’s the right amount of anything?

I’ve been accused of being ‘too much’ all my life. Too loud, too fast, too smart, too multi-talented, too audacious. I’ve never been able to live according to that external standard of ‘just right’.

Creative people need to be ‘too much’

Artists are often ‘too much’. It’s the job of the artist and writer to reflect what they see and feel. This expression of their art and talents must be larger than life.

The trouble is, our expression doesn’t always jibe with what’s going on in the ‘normal’ world.

Once creative people stop trying to calibrate their expression to a ‘norm’ they can thrive more easily.

I was once coaching a client about her talents and how she could best express them. It became clear to us that she was a larger-than-life personality, and that her talents required a bigger stage than she was currently occupying.

This triggered an insight into my own energy and expression.

Honestly, I love being onstage.

I love speaking, acting and engaging the audience.

For this role, I need to be larger than life.

I need to project my voice and energy and message broadly enough so that it reaches everyone in the audience.

This kind of energy isn’t ideal for quiet dinner parties or proper settings.

I’m an inciter, an instigator.

I’m not a socially clumsy, wrecking parties with my exuberance and need to be the star.

I use my manners and intuition to interact with others.

And, I am not here to tone it down. I have a message and a mission and I need to project it as loudly as I can.

And so do you.

Trying to mete yourself out according to a common standard will result in you becoming, well, common. And if you want to successfully make art or write, ‘common’ is death.

Find the stage that allows you to be as big as you are – your blog, your local improvisation group, or open mic night.

Your bigness might not be verbal. It might be expressed in your studio or your intimate relationships.

Not Enough

Oddly, on the inside, we often feel like we’re not enough. Not good enough, not talented enough, not focused enough.



This sense of lack stems from an external reality that doesn’t match our inner landscape.

When we feel ‘not enough’ we are using a metric that’s too amorphous to be useful.

How do you know when your article, your painting, your performance are good enough? How do you know when you are a ‘good enough’ person?

If you can’t find a way to measure ‘good enough’ drop it as a standard.

I suggest you identify your standards of excellence and seek to meet them. But make them your own standards, not someone else’s.

At the time of this writing, I am completing my novel. I am seeking publication with a traditional publisher, but I have also accepted the possibility that I may self-publish this book.

When I fully embraced that, I felt an impossible-to-reach standard fall away.

This final draft will be good enough. It’s not the Great American Novel, it may not be a blockbuster, but by my standards and the standards of the readers I’m writing for, it’s a good enough story.

Once I freed myself from having to meet some unattainable publishing criteria, I found much more joy in the writing process. 

How to find just the right amount?

Where is this invisible standard coming from?

Social mores form an invisible benchmark that we feel obliged to comply with. Our very survival depends on being able to get along in the world.

And, we can usually operate on this level and be our fully expressed selves.  We’re not going to be kicked out of the tribe or otherwise disenfranchised.

Often, it’s other people who are uncomfortable with our level of expression.

If we can remember that we’re not responsible for taking care of others’ comfort zones, we can feel more free to fully express ourselves.

Too much: Remember that artists are leaders.

We’re absorbing the riches of the world and reflecting them back more loudly, more brightly, more transformed, for the sake of moving the world.

Surround yourself with others who are ‘too much’. Let yourself enjoy the force of bright personalities.

I once saw an online profile that began with the declaration: “I am nobody’s weasel.” I thought, yea, I want to know that person.

Not enough: Develop your own criteria for ‘enough’ both in your art and your life.

How can you dwell in alignment with your own inner compass, that benchmark that calls you to reach and grow and expand, not shrink.

Your brightness, your talent, your exuberance are meant to be expressed fully, not tamped down. When you reduce yourself, you do a grave dishonor to the source of your gifts.

How have you overcome this too much/not enough dilemma? Share your victories of balancing yourself in a comment.
 

NOTE - to comment, see the TalentDevelop site post: Creative People Shouldn't 'Tone It Down'


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Photo (added by Douglas Eby): French stage and early film actress Sarah Bernhardt (1844-1923) has been referred to as "the most famous actress the world has ever known" - this portrait indicates something of her high intensity.

Related book: Living With Intensity: Understanding the Sensitivity, Excitability, and the Emotional Development of Gifted Children, Adolescents, and Adults
Susan Daniels and Michael M. Piechowski, Editors.

For more on this topic, see High Ability site posts on Intensity.

Also see Perfectionism articles.