What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is being able to stand up for yourself, making sure your opinions and feelings are considered and not letting other people always get their way.

It is not the same as aggressiveness. You can be assertive without being forceful or rude. Instead, it is stating clearly what you expect and insisting that your rights are considered.

Assertion is a skill that can be learnt. It is a way of communicating and behaving with others that helps the person to become more confident and aware of themselves.

At some time in each of our lives, however confident we are, we will find it difficult to deal with certain situations we encounter. Examples of these could be:

*  Dealing with unhelpful shop assistants.

*  Asking someone to return something they have borrowed.

*  Reacting to angry colleagues at work.

*  Communicating our feelings to our spouse, partner, family or friends.

Often in life we deal with these situations by losing our temper, by saying nothing or by giving in. This may leave us feeling unhappy, angry, out of control and still may not actually solve the problem.

This tendency that many people have to react in either an unassertive or an aggressive way may become even more of a problem if they become depressed or anxious.

The loss of confidence and self-worth that is common in depression and anxiety may make the person more likely to give in to everyone around them, or in contrast become very irritable towards those around them.

Both responses are unhelpful because they are likely to worsen how you feel (by being frustrated at yourself and others), and add to your problems.

Where does assertiveness come from?

As we grow up we learn to adapt our behaviour as a result of the things that happen to us. We model ourselves upon those around us, for example parents, teachers and our friends, and other influences such as television and magazines.

If during this time our self confidence is eroded, for example through being bullied or ridiculed at school or criticised within the family, then in our adult lives we may be more likely to react passively or aggressively in similar situations.

Although a person may have learned to react passively or aggressively in life, they can change and learn to become more assertive. You will now look at the effects of acting in an aggressive or a passive way, and then contrast this with the impact of assertion.

Elements of passive behaviour

Passive behaviour is not expressing your feelings, needs, rights and opinions. Instead there is an over-consideration for others’ feelings, needs, rights and opinions.

Feelings: Bottling up your own feelings or expressing them in indirect or unhelpful ways.

Needs: Regarding the other person's needs as more important than your own. Giving in to them all the time.

Rights: The other person has rights but you do not allow yourself the same privilege.

Opinions: You see yourself as having little or nothing to contribute and the other person as always right. You may be frightened to say what you think in case your beliefs are ridiculed.

The aim of passive behaviour is to avoid conflict at all times and to please others.

Effects of passive behaviour.

On you: short-term:

*  reduction of anxiety;

*  avoidance of guilt;

*  martyrdom.

On you: long-term:

*  continuing loss of self-esteem;

*  increased internal tensions leading to stress, anger and worsened depression.

There are immediate positive effects of being passive but the longer lasting effects may be detrimental to your own health and cause others to become increasingly irritated by you and to develop a lack of respect for you.

Elements of aggressive behaviour.

Aggression is the opposite of assertion.

Aggression is expressing your own feelings, needs, rights and opinions with no respect for other people’s feelings, needs, rights and opinions.

Feelings: Expressing your feelings in a demanding, angry and inappropriate way.

Needs: Your own needs are seen as being more important than others and theirs are ignored or dismissed.

Rights: Standing up for your own rights, but doing so in such a way that you violate the rights of other people.

Opinions: You see yourself as having something to contribute and see other people as having little or nothing to contribute.

The aim of aggression is to win, if necessary at the expense of others. Try to think of a time when someone else has been aggressive to you and ignored your opinions. How did it make you feel about them and yourself?

Effects of aggression

Aggression has both short-term and long-term consequences.

Short-term:

*  Release of tension.

*  The person feels more powerful.

Long-term:

*  Feelings of guilt and shame.

*  Place responsibility for anger onto others.

*  Decreasing self-confidence and self-esteem.

*  Resentment in those around the aggressive person.

Although the short-term effects may be rewarding, the longer lasting effects of using aggression may be less beneficial and cause problems for the person and others.

Elements of assertive behaviour.

In contrast to aggression and passivity, assertion is expressing your own feelings, needs, rights and opinions while maintaining respect for other people’s feelings, needs, rights and opinions.

Feelings: In assertion, you are able to express your feelings in a direct, honest and appropriate way.

Needs: You have needs that have to be met otherwise you feel undervalued, rejected, angry or sad.

Rights: You have basic human rights and it is possible to stand up for your own rights in such a way that you do not violate another person's rights.

Opinions: You have something to contribute irrespective of other people's views.

Assertion is not about winning, but it is concerned with being able to walk away feeling that you put across what you wanted to say.

Try to think about a time when someone else has been assertive with you and respected your opinion. How did you feel about them and yourself?

The benefits of assertion

Assertiveness is an attitude towards yourself and others that is helpful and honest. In assertiveness you ask for what you want:

*  Directly and openly.

*  Appropriately, respecting your own opinions and rights and expecting others to do the same.

*  Confidently without undue anxiety.

You do not:

*  Violate people's rights.

*  Expect other people to magically know what you want.

*  Freeze with anxiety and avoid difficult issues.

 The result is improved self-confidence in you and mutual respect from others.

The Rules of assertion.

All people have basic human rights that give us dignity as individuals. By not allowing your rights to be violated you are not being selfish but are maintaining your self-respect.

As well as being aware of your own rights, if you respect other people's rights you have the foundation for assertive communication.

The rules of assertion

I have the right to:

1. Respect myself - who I am and what I do.

2. Recognise my own needs as an individual - that is separate from what is expected of me in particular roles, such as "wife", "husband", "partner", "son", "daughter".

3. Make clear "I" statements about how I feel and what I think. For example, "I feel very uncomfortable with your decision".

4. Allow myself to make mistakes. Recognising that it is normal to make mistakes.

5. Change my mind, if I choose.

6. Ask for "thinking it over time". For example, when people ask you to do something, you have the right to say "I would like to think it over and I will let you know my decision by the end of the week".

7. Allow myself to enjoy my successes, that is by being pleased with what I have done and sharing it with others.

8. Ask for what I want, rather than hoping someone will notice what I want.

9. Recognise that I am not responsible for the behaviour of other adults.

10. Respect other people and their right to be assertive and expect the same in return.

Currently, how much do you believe each of these rules, and put them into practice?

--------

© Dr C J Williams and University of Leeds Innovations Ltd (ULIS) 2000

For the rest of this workbook see pdf file Being Assertive

Chris Williams, MD is a Psychiatrist and Cognitive Therapist, and author of the Living Life to The Full site

books by Dr. Williams:

Overcoming Depression: A Five Areas Approach

Overcoming Anxiety: A Five Areas Approach

I'm not supposed to feel like this: A Christian self-help approach to depression and anxiety.

~ ~ ~

  related Talent Development Resources pages:

anxiety..
...
anxiety / fear / courage articles .....

anxiety relief : products / programs.....

anxiety relief : books

mental health...[front page]......

mental health : teen/young adult

~ ~ ~