Build Better Boundaries

~ ~

Build Better Boundaries

By Sarah Dolliver

[From her newsletter, March 10, 2008]

This month, we're focusing on a third thing to get rid of: those people and behaviors that harm your spirit. That's done by setting boundaries in place to protect you.

* Have you ever agreed to do something that you knew you would rather not do?

* Have you not given yourself enough time to do the things you do want to do, but instead used that time for someone else?

* Have you allowed another person to behave in a fashion or say things around you that you find offensive or repulsive?

* Have you not reflected outwardly what matters so much to you inwardly?

* Have you not taken time to set up your world to work for you in every way?

You are not the only one. In fact, most people do these things, but it is especially prominent among inner-directed individuals because one major way we cope is to sacrifice ourselves to accommodate others.

What is amazing is how each of us can learn to dismiss the discomfort these situations bring. You get accustomed to the degree of uneasiness you experience, so that becomes the feeling to which you associate as "normal."

Once you are used to that level, it takes something greater than that to get noticed. As you acclimate to these higher and higher distress levels as being "normal," you continue to compromise yourself more and more with less and less notice.

STOP! Stop right now! Go no further! This is dangerous! You are on a road to becoming overwhelmed, overstressed and burned out, if you are not that way already.

The underlying issue is this: why deny yourself what you deserve? All too often when this issue comes up with clients, the reason they cite for not taking a stronger, more tailored approach is that they want to keep the peace or avoid confrontation.

They fear that it could mean being rejected or the end of a relationship, even if that relationship is hurting them.

The anticipation of external difficulties is granted greater importance than the inevitable internal distress that comes from compromising themselves.

[Hmmm...the anticipation of a painful event or outcome is worse than the present moment reality of the suffering you inflict on yourself? Kinda doesn't make sense when it's brought out into the open, huh?]

It doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to compromise yourself and you don't have to worry about keeping the peace or fear confrontation. You can stand for yourself and have better relationships at the same time.

Boundaries equal your protection. The stronger they are, the better you are as they screen out what drains, diminishes or harms you.

Still, they should not be a shield or wall against the entire outside world or so permeable that nearly everything passes.

And here is the art of establishing boundaries: finding the proper firmness for you! The goal is to let in what's right for you, and do it at the right time for you. This "Goldilocks" or "just right" formula often takes experimentation.

So many people think that using boundaries must bring some conflict when it doesn't have to be that way. You can learn to express yourself in a way that honors everyone involved.

And when you finally get it, it feels like these lyrics [for the full quotation, see the end of this newsletter]:

It's amazing with the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's amazing when the moment arrives that you know you'll be all right

And at the end of the final spoken line you hear: the light at the end of the tunnel may be you. To see that light, won't you get started protecting your precious spirit with boundaries?

~~~

Inspiring Lyrics -- Amazing by Aerosmith

Sarah comments: The opening verses below speak to what happens when your boundaries are unbalanced. It continues to show you the hope of what you can achieve when you start to put things in better places for you.

I kept the right ones out and let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life when I was going insane
Trying to walk through the pain

When I lost my grip and I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired of living a lie
I was wishing that I would die

Chorus: It's amazing with the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's amazing when the moment arrives that you know you'll be all right
It's amazing and I'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shots a permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey, not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street, just trying to survive
Scratching to stay alive

Chorus

Desperate hearts, desperate hearts... [scat singing backed by a ripping Joe Perry guitar solo]

It's amazing, It's amazing

Spoken with Roaring 20's music in the background: So from all of us at Aeorsmith to all of you out there wherever you are, remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be you.

With peace and connection,
Sarah

Empowering Catalyst...Insightful Mentor...Wholehearted Supporter

Creator of safe spaces where you find the freedom to embrace and trust your truest self

How to contact and work with Sarah:

    * Office hours are Monday through Wednesday and Friday (except US national holidays):
      9:00 AM to 5:00 PM (USA Mountain Standard Time)
    * By phone at 928-284-0896
    * By e-mail at Sarah@InnerVantage.com

Don't let opportunity pass you by. Ask for your free initial 30-minute consultation

    * One-to-one clients meet by mutually agreeable scheduling
    * Our work together is completely confidential and tailored to your specific situation and wants.

I tailor my services to your needs, budget and your timeline.

Sarah Dolliver is the Founder of InnerVantage, the online community for inner-directed individuals (those who focus inward to restore), where you can take the Are Your Inner-Directed Assessment at http://www.innervantage.com/freein.shtml

Her vision is to remove the stigma from being introverted or highly sensitive (HSP) to allow these individuals to lead rewarding lives that bring distinct contributions to the world. She educates, inspires and empowers them to use their gifts, talents and strengths as the basis from which they approach life.

Subscribe to the Awakening Your InnerVantage newsletter or get other free resources at http://www.InnerVantage.com

Sarah holds a Bachelor of Science in Management (Bentley College, Waltham, MA) and is a graduate of Coach U and The Graduate School of Coaching from CoachVille.