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EQ and the IQ Connection
by Deborah L. Ruf, Ph.D. My
presentation concerns my theory, probably not unique to me, that
emotional intelligence (EQ), rather than being an inborn ability,
is a skill that needs to be taught and facilitated in individuals
who deviate significantly from the norm in their intellectual
intelligence (IQ). It is
here theorized that when children's mental ages are considerably
different from those with whom they must spend the majority of their
time, their opportunities for effective and rewarding social
interaction are minimized. If
interventions, purposeful or
serendipitous, are not available, effective communication and
interpretation of social cues cannot be developed. The
theory holds
that highly intelligent individuals who are not made aware of
this source of their emotional and social difficulties enter
adulthood with weak self-esteem and defensive behavior designed
to ward off uncomfortable and unrewarding personal interactions. Loneliness
and feelings of isolation are common features of
highly gifted people who have not been facilitated in bridging
the emotional and social gulf between themselves and the majority
population. Examples
of positive and negative experiences related
to the learning of social and emotional interactions that are
popularly considered to indicate people's emotional intelligence
(EQ) were taken from the written case study reports of 125 highly
gifted adults between the ages of 20 and 83. The
paper presents
an evaluation of items from the childhood and adulthood
questionnaires completed by the subjects during the early to mid `90s
that relate to social connections and interactions in the family,
school and workplace. Subjects
were also evaluated for emotional
maturity based on the theories of Maslow, Erikson, and Dabrowski.
Subjects
who showed the most self-actualization and emotional
maturity had either found a way to cultivate and increase their
emotional quotients (EQs) or had been raised with the
opportunities to do so. Excerpts
from the case studies will be
presented to illustrate and support the theory. My
conclusions
following my case study research are that often the opportunity
to practice and hone social skills takes place in an environment
where the individual's vocabulary, sense of humor, complexity of
thought and interests are similar to others around him or her.
Children
who are very different, by virtue of their intellectual
level, from their same age classmates often experience that their
comments, observations, and questions annoy classmates. Others
can view the highly gifted person as inappropriate or odd. If
such a child is seldom with like-minded others, social and emotional
adjustment are likely more difficult to attain. The
following selected excerpts from the case studies reveal how often the
highly gifted subjects did not receive helpful input about the
way they naturally were. Gene,
a 56-year old scientist with an IQ
of about 175 described what others thought of him: Thought I
was
ok, but somewhat off-beat, if not strange. Likeable, cheerful,
smart. Popular? No. I was friendly enough, and sociable, but
never part of the `in crowd.' Somewhat of a loner, by
choice. Gene
had had two close friends, one at a time,
throughout his childhood. He felt loved and encouraged by his
parents although they did not verbalize their love or support.
When
asked if he “fit in” he responded: I was aware,
but thought
it more of a strangeness than a qualitative difference, thus thought of
myself as not fitting in. Nevertheless, it was not an
extreme isolation, just a sense of being peripheral to the
mainstream... felt not ahead or smarter, just different. Gene
said
that no one ever took a personal interest in him and he wishes now that
they had. He had no idea that he was intellectually so different
from most other people and no one ever gave him that
information. Took Mensa
test when I was 25 and for the first time
knew my IQ. That gave me confidence. I had previously flunked out
of the Naval Academy, although I returned and finished the
following year. Now I know why I'm “different!” Sandra,
age 43
with an estimated IQ of about 150, experienced an extremely abusive
and difficult childhood that included her mother's suicide when
Sandra was 3, living in an orphanage for a few years when her
father's drinking was too bad to allow him to raise his children,
and then an abusive step-mother who hated her. I was aware
of not
fitting in, especially in the early grades. At the Home, they
quickly squelched any sense of pride in my unusual achievements
by frowns at my mention of getting better grades, also that I was
always showing off by singing [extremely talented singer]. I
received lots of mixed and conflicting messages. In upper elementary
and secondary school there were a large number of high ability
kids in my class... I felt like I fit in. Candace,
a 47 year
old woman whose IQ is above 150, also came from a very abusive
home. She started school early and had teachers who wanted to skip her
further in her middle elementary years, but her mother said no.
Her
case study makes it quite clear that her parents really did
not like her. While Candace was in junior high her mother and teacher
had a big fight over some issue related to Candace's sister.
The
mother pulled Candace out of any classes this teacher taught
and that meant Candace was no longer in classes with her gifted
peers. She experienced tremendous confusion over her value, her
abilities, and certainly what people would think of her. It
isn't too
difficult to conclude that her emotional intelligence was
tremendously impacted by the way her parents and teachers treated
her. I was
nothing but a disappointment. I was a girl- I was
supposed to be a boy. I was inquisitive which both parents
interpreted as rude and challenging to their authority. I was
smart so they confused my ability to learn with a capacity for
understanding my actions in a greater context. Therefore
they
attached adult motivations to even the simplest question of a
4-year old. By the time I was 7 or 8 my life had become a painful
existence. I knew God had made me wrong and I could never be
right. Fortunately,
Candace had two different friends in her late
teens and in her 30s who helped her find herself. She also
devoted herself to counseling for a number of years. She
evolved
into one of the most evolved, self-actualized people in my study who
has a select number of close friends and a number of casual level
acquaintances. She is also very happily married to her second
husband. Arnie,
a 43-year old man with an estimated IQ of about
150, said that he was not aware of being exceptional, didn't fit
in, and has never been able to make friends. “Father
always
called me `stupid.' Taking Mensa test in 1975 ended confusion.”
I
tend to think that Arnie's inability to make friends may have started
with the poor, emotionally abusive parenting he received at home.
Often
children who are emotionally abused have difficulty at
school and do not engender tender feelings from those who might
come to their rescue at school. In my
study there were more boys than
girls who found little solace at school. An
unusually
successful businesswoman, 45-year old Marlene had an IQ of over
180. Although she, too, came from an emotionally abusive family
(about half my subjects reported high levels of emotional abuse),
she described her own confusion over why she did not feel
comfortable with herself or others as follows: I was
thought of
as bright and a loner. I think everyone just thought I was different.
I remember people saying `she's smart' when they thought I wasn't
listening. I was always listening. My reputation was as one who
is quiet. Yes, people
knew I was smart. My family could not deal
with it. The schools were shocked and I don't think knew how to deal
with me. College was wonderful. At last freedom and people I could
talk to. Ben, a
46-year old with an IQ near 150, wrote, “I never
fit in. I thought I was stupid.” He
also was the object of much
bullying and wondered in his study surveys why nothing ever
seemed to be done about it. Despite the bad and confusing treatment he
wrote, For a brief
time (weeks, perhaps) I discovered I could hit
smaller kids and get away with it. Shortly after I discovered
that I felt like shit when I thought about it. End of my bully phase. I tend to
find myself in arguments and debates when I have
strong feelings about a subject. When I don't have a stake in
something I tend to be a peacemaker, and have developed a modest
skill at achieving compromise. Personally,
I find it amazing how
many of these subjects have found their way into being at least
modestly emotionally intelligent. Most of them have achieved far more.
In fact, there were only about 5 people from my core study with
41 subjects who remained hostile and bitter as adults and who
still had no friends. I
could go on and on about how little
helpful feedback highly gifted people get about how they are different
and how they are still good and valuable people. I
propose that a
system of identification that includes a recognition of the real
differences people at different levels of giftedness feel and
experience would be extremely helpful to them in better understanding
themselves and developing their emotional intelligence earlier in
life before so much confusion and pain have been
experienced. Related pages : Emotional
intelligence Dabrowski / advanced development intensity
/
sensitivity GT
Adults giftedness ~ ~ ~ |
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