If you are someone who cringes at the thought of big family get-togethers, this essay is for you. 

Not all of us are blessed with families of origin that really honor our unique creative gifts ... some are even downright hostile about them. 

We may love these folks in a visceral way, even when they kick sand on their dreams, and if that's the case, we need support.

You know what I mean if you've ever been mercilessly teased over turkey for that thing you do that nobody else in the family can relate to. 

Or if you get questions like "Are you STILL just writing?" The problem is that many of us grew up with unique gifts, all the while surrounded by people who were either jealous of them, didn't understand them, or were threatened by them. 

We may still even have Mom or Dad's speech in our heads, decrying our decision to become an artist, a coach, or an entrepreneur. ("Think of your FUTURE! You're throwing away a perfectly good career!") 

We may be afraid our dreams will die if we expose them to a family we still care very much about.

If that's the case, take heart. Your holiday visit doesn't have to be a slash and burn party at your expense; in fact, you can even use it to feed your dreams.

(Think of it as a growth experience.) 

While I'm no therapist, I have given the matter a fair amount of thought. Here are some key points I've uncovered, that should help you stay cool, and keep your dream strong and healthy,
          
1. Remember that you're not here to live up to anyone else's expectations. In fact, you're really just here to live your own unique purpose in life. You were given your own particular set of gifts for a reason that is much bigger than any family could ever be.

2. Hold your work as sacred. That means don't share it with just any Tom, Dick or Harry until it's the right time. If you're working on a book, and you haven't shown it to anyone else yet, why mention it to a sibling or parent who's likely to be jealous or cruel? 

Protect that work like the tenderest baby, and DO NOT bring it out into the world until it is developed enough to make the passage safely. This is your responsibility as creator.

3. Interpret criticism, jealousy, and sarcasm as a good sign. It could be that your dream is taking you out into the world a bit more, so you're likely to be seen by limiting figures from your past as arrogant, self-involved, or pushy. 

Students who recently completed our Coming Out of Hiding class report that those who liked keeping them small in the past don't have much patience with their bigger, truer selves.... And that's great! It means progress is being made.

4. Don't gossip about the others. In fact, while you're at it, rise above all snipes, jabs, and other acts of pettiness. Don't let yourself slip into an argument or snit that will drain the life, energy and happiness right out of the festivities. Honestly - it's not worth it. 

Furthermore, you have to save your energy for your dream, remember? That way you can return home renewed and ready to work, instead of feeling run over by a truck.

5. Try a little empathy. Ideally, one should be able to regard the dysfunctional relatives with compassion. Often these are people without a dream whose lives are small enough, and sad enough, that they actually get pleasure attempting to bring people down to their level. 

They actually deserve a fair amount of pity - but not too much, mind you.

6. Assume a happy mask of detachment, just the way you would if you were a seasoned customer service rep who's used to difficult clients. That's the best defense when the vipers are at it, because though it's tough to do, it really leaves you feeling clean and whole on the drive home.

7. Stop hoping for acceptance. You'll probably be disappointed. Short of catastrophic illness, a death in the family, big-time counseling, or a major disaster, little can change deep-seated, dysfunctional family patterns. 

In fact, you and your dream may never be accepted by certain family members; they just haven't got the mental space to embrace it. 

AND THAT IS NO REFLECTION ON YOU ... it's simply an annoying reality that must be dealt with, like death, taxes and other human inconveniences. Remember, you're still right where you should be ... even without their approval.

8. Don't be smug. You don't have to be. You've got your path and your dream; you can actually see and live the possibilities of the live you've always wanted. Others may not be able to share that vision

9. Go have a good primal scream. Or better yet, go see an art exhibit, or a movie, or take a hike, or have a latte ... alone. 

Create a little time for you to just enjoy your own company and gather your wits again. Journaling is a nice addition to the process - you can even use the time to chip away at your dream.  

If others wonder where you're off to, just tell them you 'have to take care of something.' And you do... you have to take care of yourself.

10. Remember to breathe. If you find yourself in a tense conversation, stop for a moment before getting plugged in and responding ... and just breathe. You will automatically be able to get your grounding back, and remember good things, like the fact that you're an independent spirit with an important dream.

11. Find an ally. Not to bitch and moan about the others, but simply to shore up your sagging spirit. This may be someone in your family, an old buddy from high school who still lives near home, or a good friend you can sneak off and call. It helps to have one friendly voice amidst the fray.

12. Limit your visit. Need I say more? And while you're at it, bring along this list. It may just come in handy.

     [Image from Home for the Holidays (1995), directed by Jodie Foster.]

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...Also see more articles by Suzanne Falter-Barns.