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Unhappy? Self-Critical? Maybe You're Just a Perfectionist
By
Benedict Carey, The New York Times
Just about any sports movie, airport paperback or motivational tape
delivers a few boilerplate rules for success.
Believe
in yourself. Don’t take no for an answer. Never quit. Don’t accept
second best.
Above all, be true to yourself.
It’s hard to argue with those maxims. They seem self-evident — if not
written into the Constitution, then at least part of the cultural water
supply that irrigates everything from halftime speeches to corporate
lectures to SAT coaching classes.
Yet several recent studies stand as a warning against taking the
platitudes of achievement too seriously.
The
new research focuses on a familiar type, perfectionists, who panic or
blow a fuse when things don’t turn out just so.
The
findings not only confirm that such purists are often at risk for
mental distress — as Freud, Alfred Adler and countless exasperated
parents have long predicted — but also suggest that perfectionism is a
valuable lens through which to understand a variety of seemingly
unrelated mental difficulties, from depression to compulsive behavior
to addiction.
Some researchers divide perfectionists into three types, based on
answers to standardized questionnaires: Self-oriented strivers who
struggle to live up to their high standards and appear to be at risk of
self-critical depression; outwardly focused zealots who expect
perfection from others, often ruining relationships; and those
desperate to live up to an ideal they’re convinced others expect of
them, a risk factor for suicidal thinking and eating disorders.
“It’s natural for people to want to be perfect in a few things, say in
their job — being a good editor or surgeon depends on not making
mistakes,” said Gordon L. Flett, a psychology professor at York
University and an author of many of the studies. “It’s when it
generalizes to other areas of life, home life, appearance, hobbies,
that you begin to see real problems.”
[Prof. Flett is author of Perfectionism:
Theory, Research, and Treatment.]
Unlike people given psychiatric labels, however, perfectionists neither
battle stigma nor consider themselves to be somehow dysfunctional.
On the
contrary, said Alice Provost, an employee assistance counselor at the
University of California, Davis, who recently ran group therapy for
staff members struggling with perfectionist impulses.
“They’re
very proud of it,” she said. “And the culture highly values and
reinforces their attitudes.”
Consider a recent study by psychologists at Curtin University of
Technology in Australia, who found that the level of “all or nothing”
thinking predicted how well perfectionists navigated their lives.
The
researchers had 252 participants fill out questionnaires rating their
level of agreement with 16 statements like “I think of myself as either
in control or out of control” and “I either get on very well with
people or not at all.”
The more strongly participants in the study thought in this either-or
fashion, the more likely they were to display the kind of extreme
perfectionism that can lead to mental health problems.
In short, these are people who not only swallow many of the maxims for
success but take them as absolutes.
At
some level they know that it’s possible to succeed after falling short
(build on your mistakes: another boilerplate rule). The trouble is that
falling short still reeks of mediocrity; for them, to say otherwise is
to spin the result.
Never accept second best. Always be true to yourself.
The burden of perfectionist expectations is all too familiar to anyone
who has struggled to kick a bad habit.
Break
down just once — have one smoke, one single drink — and at best it’s a
“slip.” At worst it’s a relapse, and more often it’s a fall off the
wagon: failure. And if you’ve already fallen, well, may as well pour
yourself two or three more.
This is why experts have long debated the wisdom of insisting on
abstinence as necessary in treating substance abuse.
Most
rehab clinics are based on this principle: Either you’re clean or
you’re not; there’s no safe level of use.
This
approach has unquestionably worked for millions of addicts, but if the
studies of perfectionists are any guide it has undermined the efforts
of many others.
Ms. Provost said those in her program at U.C. Davis often displayed
symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder — another risk for
perfectionists.
They
couldn’t bear a messy desk. They found it nearly impossible to leave a
job half-done, to do the next day. Some put in ludicrously long hours
redoing tasks, chasing an ideal only they could see.
As an experiment, Ms. Provost had members of the group slack off on
purpose, against their every instinct. “This was mostly in the context
of work,” she said, “and they seem like small things, because what some
of them considered failure was what most people would consider no big
deal.”
Leave work on time. Don’t arrive early. Take all the breaks allowed.
Leave the desk a mess. Allow yourself a set number of tries to finish a
job; then turn in what you have.
“And then ask: Did you get punished? Did the university continue to
function? Are you happier?” Ms. Provost said. “They were surprised that
yes, everything continued to function, and the things they were so
worried about weren’t that crucial.”
The British have a saying that encourages people to show their skills
while mocking the universal fear of failure: Do your worst.
If you can’t tolerate your worst, at least once in a while, how true to
yourself can you be?
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