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Speak up for yourself. I once did some work for The Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women as a rape and battering hotline counselor.
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..During one of our training sessions, this group of intelligent and outspoken women participated in an exercise to help understand the dynamics of date rape.
After a long discussion, it became apparent that, in several of the scenarios brought up, although they made all of the women uncomfortable, many would not have said anything out of fear of hurting the guy's feelings or turning him off.
The problem with this kind of thinking is that it only leads to more behavior that is uncomfortable and can quickly spiral out of control. The truth is a really great guy would want to know when he makes a woman uncomfortable.
Teach your daughters to speak up for themselves and your sons to know how to listen.
While date rape is an extreme example, often when people repress their desires or needs in a relationship, the person they are with never has the opportunity to meet those needs or even to truly get to know the person they are with.
Dr. Jenn Berman
Los Angeles Family Magazine, Feb 2004
site: DoctorJenn.com
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We approval whores are people who will do anything to get affirmation and acceptance from others. We're similar to crack whores, only more dysfunctional. ...
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..Approval whores like me tend to think that we're being good (saintly! angelic!) when we let others have their way with us in exchange for a hit of praise.
The people in our lives are likely to reinforce our sickness, because we'll do pretty much anything to please them, and what's not to love about that?
Here's what: Being dependent on approval -- so dependent that we barter away all our time, energy, and personal preferences to get it -- ruins lives.
..
..It divorces us from our true sekves, precludes real intimacy, and turns us into seething cesspools of suppressed rage (of course, I mean that in a nice way).
from article The Halo Effect - by Martha Beck -
O, The Oprah Magazine Dec 2003 / angel photo by Mark Hooper
...Martha Beck is the author of books:
Finding Your Own North Star
and The Joy Diet~ ~ ~ ~
| The
truth is, Hollywood is driven by an occupational caste. Adam Bellow,
son
of Nobel Prize-winning novelist Saul Bellow, has just written a book on
the upside of nepotism in America.
"There's a lot invested in the myth that Hollywood is a meritocracy, that any little boy can grow up to be Michael Douglas," says Bellow, whose book is titled "In Praise of Nepotism" (Doubleday). "But Hollywood was nepotistic from its origins, and it is still heavily populated by sons and daughters, nephews and nieces and cousins. "The movie business is essentially a craft. If you grow up in a family involved in something, you absorb a lot of the specialized craft knowledge that other people have to learn when they come into it. No self-respecting successor wants to follow in their father's footsteps and underperform. "Many of today's young people who end up going into their parents' profession resist it at first and try to go off in other directions. But often there's a yielding to the inevitable." [from
article: 'It' executive? Familiar to the paparazzi, Amanda
Goldberg
is trying to earn her wings |
 .. .. ...In
Praise of Nepotism |
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Couples on the same emotional wavelength are likelier to succeed
by Dianne Partie Lange [LA Times June 23, 2003]Relationships in which the couples start out being more similar in their emotional responses seem to have the best chance for success, new research shows.
Just as people in close relationships become more alike in their attitudes and habits over time, researchers at Northwestern University and UC Berkeley found, people in satisfying partnerships also experience an "emotional convergence."
In a study of 60 couples, with an average age of 20, researchers assessed several positive and negative emotional responses in the partners on two occasions, six months apart. At the beginning of the study, the couples had been dating, on average, for 22 months. By study's end, a third of them had broken up.
The researchers found that the emotional responses of the 39 couples who stayed together had become significantly more similar in the six months. "Close relationships shape our emotional responses in fundamental ways," says lead author Cameron P. Anderson, a business professor at New York University.
"When we marry or befriend a positive person, we become more positive over time. Likewise when we marry or befriend a depressed person, we become more negative over time."
The study was published in May in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
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 .. .. A few months later, though, the editor offered me my own column, "Sex and the City." I felt on top of the world; I finally had an opportunity. One of the things I learned through writing the column is that so much of what society tells us -- about women and men, what our roles are, and what they're supposed to be -- just isn't true. We still tell women, Relationships are really important -- you have to find a man. |
But
there are certain things a relationship cannot give you. It can't give
you self-esteem, and won't necessarily bring you happiness.
It might give you some sense of accomplishment temporarily, but not in the long term. We don't tell women enough that one of the most important things to strive for in life is some kind of personal and professional achievement. Not as a man or a woman -- but as a person. Sometimes it's important to be a person first and a gender second. When
you experience some sort of I just kicked the field goal that won the
game!
moment, you can go into relationships without being needy or looking
for
self-esteem. We, as women, need to get those things for
ourselves. Candace
Bushnell
|
*related pages:........identity...........self-esteem / self concept...........vocation / calling.~ ~ ~ ~
 .. .. Today's woman often works out and looks great into middle and old age, while older men tend to let themselves go, says Pepper Schwartz [right], a professor of sociology at the University of Washington. Older women are also more likely to have money and status that they didn't have a generation ago, and this power appeals to younger men. |
 .. .. [Psychology Today Jan/Feb 2004] photo of Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves [as playwright Erica Barry and the 25 year younger physician attracted to her] from "Something's Gotta Give" [© 2003 Columbia Pictures]
|
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 .. .. That's a very dangerous territory for us. ... I think that it [her movie "Something's Gotta Give"] really addresses the things that we're most afraid of. I don't think that men are different from women or that women are not so different from men about this issue of intimacy. |
I
just have to keep going back to the core and think that we're all
afraid
of it and when we're afraid of it, you run to something much easier,
something
that looks like candy.
It's like: 'Yeah,' but it doesn't really give you the substance that you're looking for, really, in your best self. So, I don't think that it's like saying that it's bad one way or the other. I think that this movie is just about can two very complicated people really give. It's about giving. ... I don't think that Nancy [director Nancy Meyers] is afraid of making fun of all of us, herself included. I mean, I'm just an uptight little control freak in this movie who never has been in love. What does that say about someone? She's just been guided by her goals in her life, this successful, oriented, smart woman. Diane Keaton [darkhorizons.com interview by Paul Fischer, Dec 3rd, 2003] |
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 .. .. Georgia Although this 1995 film about two sisters is named Georgia after the elder sister (Mare Winningham), the brunt of story told focuses on the younger sister Sadie, played by Jennifer Jason Leigh. At the beginning of the film, we are immediately presented with stark contrast between their lives; Georgia is the talented, popular musician, happily married, raising sweet, well-behaved kids, living in a large, Martha Stewart-esque house in the country, while Sadie is the less-than-perfect aspiring musician, drifting between random cities and men, addicted to drugs and constantly looking for a place to live. |
Through
the course of the story, Sadie manages to love, hate and envy Georgia
all
at once, and she seems to be just as compelled to
impress/offend/emulate
her sister as she is to drink or take drugs.
In dealing with Sadie, Georgia seems at a loss much of the time, out of energy and patience after years cleaning up after her sister's failures. The musical performance scenes are raw and emotional, serving as delicate exposition for much of what the sisters are thinking and feeling as their relationship alters. There is nothing safe or easy about watching their battle of wills here, but the film's exploration of the intricate bond between these two exceptional sisters makes the pain of witnessing their struggles a satisfying, if hard-earned reward. [Heather Campbell, imdb.com] Georgia [dvd] (written by Barbara Turner) |
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| Malibu,
Calif. Sep 22, 2003 . Grammy-winning
singer Melissa Etheridge exchanged vows with her girlfriend, actress
Tammy
Lynn Michaels, in a weekend ceremony..
"We are so grateful for the blessings from our friends and family as we commence our vows, and begin the rest of our lives together," the couple said in a statement Sunday. The statement described the two as married, although homosexual couples cannot legally marry in California. ... Etheridge, 41, and Michaels, the 28-year-old star of TV's "Popular," met two years ago. They live in Southern California with Etheridge's daughter and son. ... [Yahoo! News > Entertainment > AP] |
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 |
It's
well known among researchers of the gifted, talented and creative that
these individuals exhibit greater intensity and increased levels of
emotional,
imaginational, intellectual, sensual and psychomotor excitability and
that
this is a normal pattern of development.
It is because these gifted children and adults have a finely tuned psychological structure and an organized awareness that they experience all of life differently and more Intensely than those around them. ... Most people don't know that what is considered normal for the gifted is most often labeled as neurosis in the general population and as a result, the gifted are personally and emotionally vulnerable to a variety of unique relationship difficulties at home, work, school and in the community. from
article Misdiagnosis
of the Gifted
//
|
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 .. .. Dr. Marti Olsen Laney: Yes, the most common couple is the innie/outie two-some. This is for two reasons; first, there are more outies in the world. Second, since outies are out and about more they find innies and draw them out into dating. The innie calms the outie down and the outie encourages the innie to stretch their comfort zone. ... |
Q:
Do two introverts have a particularly harder time beginning in a
relationship,
and is their relationship easier to maintain?
Dr. M: Actually when I interviewed fifty introverts, innie/innie couples reported the most satisfaction with their relationships. They didn't argue about common innie/outie issues like going out on Friday nights or how long they should stay at parties. They enjoyed quiet activities together... from Written Voices interview.. photo: Thora Birch and Steve Buscemi in Ghost World
|
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...she must fuse the best attributes of femininity and masculinity and so create a new archetype of heroism that speaks to both women and men. This fusion would make her: independent without being alienated... autonomous within interconnected, interdependent, and equal relationships; nurturing without denying or sacrificing her own needs; and androgynous without compromising the best attributes of femaleness but affirming the wholeness inherent in all.
*The Sound of a Silver Horn: Reclaiming the Heroism in Contemporary Women's Lives -
by Kathleen Noble, PhD*related page:**androgyny
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.........................................................................................Strongly disagree . . . . . Strongly agree
1. I'm afraid that I will lose my partner's love.
3. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me.
6. I worry a lot about my relationships.
10. My romantic partner makes me doubt myself.
11. I do not often worry about being abandoned.
18. My partner only seems to notice me when I'm angry.
24. I prefer not to be too close to romantic partners.from book: Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize
Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment - by Martin E. Seligman, PhD.
| He
drew her into a conversation with a gentle solicitousness that was both
seductive and condescending.
The condescension made her unsettled and gruff, but then a little tendril of seduction would creep out and wrap itself about her wrist, and to her embarassment, she would find herself talking brightly, her words done up in fancy shapes to impress him. He listened to her with a tense receptivity that made her embarassment strangely thrilling. The conversation was static and vibrant at once, like a suspension bridge humming with hidden electrical energy. from "Orchid" - in Because They Wanted to: Stories by Mary Gaitskill photo from Closer: Photographs by Elinor Carucci |
 |
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[Does it become harder to make friends when you're famous?] Yeah, I think so. But that's borne out of existential insecurities less than what might be a reality. It's hard to make friends in L.A., period, because everybody is trying to get something out of everyone else. So relationships become more complex for all the worst reasons.
***Giovanni Ribisi***[Angeleno, Sep-Oct 2002]
The Lives of the Muses: Nine Women & the Artists They Inspired - by Francine Prose "I have never seen you without thinking that I should like to pray to you," says the poet Rilke [above].
The object of his devotion is the astonishing Lou Andreas-Salome [above right], the woman who played muse not only to Rilke, but also to Nietzsche and Freud.
The idea of the muse seems an initially quaint, if not flatly sexist charge. Acclaimed novelist Prose (Blue Angel, etc.) confronts that honestly when she asks: "Doesn't the idea of the Muse reinforce the destructive stereotype of the creative, productive, active male and of the passive female?"
Politically incorrect or not, the muses, as Prose presents them, genuinely "illumine and deepen the mysteries of Eros and creativity, as each Muse redraws the border between the human and the divine."
In nine biographical narratives, Prose examines a range of relationships between artists and the women who gave them their divine spark. Though the artists, among them Lewis Carroll, Salvador Dal¡ and John Lennon, can easily be viewed through the lens of obsessional pathology, Prose makes a remarkable case for the exceptionality of these women in their own right.
Lee Miller for example was not merely the muse to Man Ray, but an accomplished photographer, and Suzanne Farrell, Balanchine's muse, a virtuosic ballerina. Prose's project is to probe the mystery of inspiration, not to solve it once and for all: "one difference between magic and art is that magic can be explained."
From Samuel Johnson's caretaker and trusted friend Hester Thrale to Dali's wife, Gala, Prose demonstrates the strength and unique quality of influence each muse had on her artist. [Publishers Weekly review]
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Rilke said a great thing about how when you are young, you perceive a relationship as a fusion. When people come together too young, they try to become one person. As you get older, you realize that you don't want to become one person because then you lose the person you are. Rilke's whole idea was that a good relationship is two people who stand guard at the gates of each other's solitude or singularity.
***Edward Norton***[Interview, April, 2000]
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I do, in theory, want to get married. I do. But I just feel very unready. It's funny, 'cause I look at all my girlfriends, and most of them are married. I just think I am so not there yet... I really think I need some more time before I'm ready for a serious relationship... The thought I could have been ready for marriage in my twenties seems insane to me right now.***
[She will soon be age 30]Gwyneth Paltrow***[E! Revealed eonline.com Aug. 28, 2002]
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| Born in St. Louis
in 1928, Betty
Berzon came of age in a world where she had no idea what to make of her
feelings. She dated boys, but, oddly, had no fantasies about them.
Instead,
in her daydreams, she imagined herself as "Clark Gable or Errol Flynn
sweeping
some beauty off her feet.... I'd heard of homosexuality... heard that
it
was a sickness, and I wondered if I had caught it."
A bright, outgoing girl with no trouble attracting boys, she was frightened by her overpoweringly sexual feelings for women. Berzon alternated between two approaches. She went ahead with a "normal" life of dating--and later, having affairs with -- men. And she began to investigate the lesbian scene. Too often, Berzon believes, gays and lesbians have "internalized" society's dismissive attitudes toward their partnerships: "can't work, won't last, don't count." "Our relationships," she insists, "can work and last, and they absolutely do count just as much as we want them to." from book review:
One Journey
of Self-Discovery in a Homophobic World |
 |
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Her father is a well-known character actor and artist and her mother is an extremely successful agent for child actors. My client herself has been a working professional since childhood and writes about how misapplied perfectionism can cause a creative block: "I come from an exceedingly gifted family. Each member is highly successful, intellectually, personally, professionally and especially creatively. Creative exploration was encouraged and rewarded in my family...
"[However], the older I got and the more proficient I became in the professional creative world of entertaining, the more my own parental eye became a judgmental eye.
"Less focus was directed toward the joy and experimentation of the creative process and more focus was placed on the outcome, the product."
from article: Counseling Issues with Recognized and Unrecognized Gifted Adults
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| I
think I've got to a point where I don't know what to expect from men
and
they don't know what to expect from me. I'm probably looking for
someone
who can be very strong for me and at the same time I have a real fear
of
being dominated and losing my identity.
It's kind of the eternal independent woman contradiction. You need a strong guy who's not going to let you push him around, and on the other hand you're extremely wary of not giving up the kind of control you've had over your own life, when you want to be with something, what you want to do. ... I can be [a moody person], and there are times when I need to be by myself and brood or think things through on my own. That's obviously a problem if you're in a relationship and living with a man. That's probably why I haven't had many good relationships lately although a much bigger problem is simply the work schedule you have when you're doing a weekly TV series. There is very little time to fall in love with anyone except your fellow cast members or the cameraman. And the last thing you want in life is a relationship with someone where you're working with that person every day from morning until ten at night. ... |
 .. .. I learned that from all my years as a ballet dancer, where discipline takes over your life. I developed the ability to erect huge walls around me so that I could focus on only one thing - dancing. But the trouble with doing that is that you deaden your feelings and it makes it difficult for you to be as open and loving towards other people as you want. And you begin to hate yourself for that. Neve Campbell ....[imdb.com interview - unknown date] |
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