Hilary Swank: “The great thing about my Oscar was when I received it, they put the nameplate on with my name crooked, and I went home and I was like, ‘I am going to have to take that back and have them fix it.’

“Then I said to myself, ‘This reminds me that I’m not perfect, my performance wasn’t really perfect, and that I still have a lot to learn.’ To a lot of people, this represents perfection and it’s not.” (About her Academy Award for Boys Don’t Cry.) [Gotham, May 2002.]

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Being uncompromising

“She lives her own moral code, and is kind of uncompromising about that.”

Rooney Mara – about playing Lisbeth Salander in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. (Charlie Rose Show, 12.15.11.)

Photo of Rooney Mara from article The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – A Gifted Trauma Survivor, By Lisa Erickson, MS, LMHC.

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Fearing criticism may be a form of perfectionism

Robert Pattinson created two songs for the first Twilight album and also contributed three to the soundtrack for the film How to Be, but says he won’t be recording an album anytime soon.

He explains, “Doing movies, I can handle the criticism because you can always blame somebody else. There are hundreds of people to blame. But, with music, as soon as you’re putting something out there you’re basically only putting an album out there for people to judge it. I don’t necessarily want people to judge it.

“Also I know if I had an album out, the day it comes out I’m gonna be on the internet looking at stuff (comments) and I’ll probably shoot myself. So I don’t know if it’s worth shooting myself over.” [imdb.com news 11 November 2011.]

Brene Brown on The Gifts of Imperfection

From an article by Brené Brown:

The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting, but as hard as we try, we can’t turn off the tapes that fill our heads with messages like “Never good enough” and “What will people think?”

Why, when we know that there’s no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone?

Is it that we really admire perfection? No — the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.

We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.

We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it’s a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.

Continued in article: Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect
By Brené Brown, Special to CNN

Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent 10 years studying vulnerability, shame, authenticity and courage, and is the author of the book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

More perspectives on striving to be perfect

Trying to be perfect may be sort of inevitable for people like us, who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at one level it’s too hard, and at another, it’s too cheap and easy.

Because it really requires you mainly to read the zeitgeist of wherever and whenever you happen to be, and to assume the masks necessary to be the best of whatever the zeitgeist dictates or requires. Those requirements shapeshift, sure, but when you’re clever you can read them and do the imitation required.

But nothing important, or meaningful, or beautiful, or interesting, or great ever came out of imitations. The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

Anna Quindlen – from her Commencement Speech, Mount Holyoke College, 1999

> Book: Being Perfect – by Anna Quindlen

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“Perfectionism is often something gifted people have learned to dislike about themselves, sometimes openly vilifying their “nit-picky” ways. Yet at their very core, many gifted people are visionaries who do indeed have the capacity to turn pipe dreams in to concrete innovations—they can and often must hold out for the ideal.”

From article Encountering the Gifted Self Again, For the First Time, By Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, PhD – author of the book The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius.

Ruining the experience

Mia Wasikowska earned acclaim for her intense performance in the HBO series “In Treatment.” She plays the title role in “Alice in Wonderland,” and notes that at age 20 she is still fairly new to acting:

“I was at dance school doing about 35 hours practice a week until I was 14. Then ballet started to grate – the whole idea of trying to attain perfection started to ruin the experience, so I decided to try another type of performance.”

From post: Gifted and driven: Striving for excellence & being a perfectionist

Also see my article Perfectionism
and the article In Praise of Perfectionism, by Stephen A. Diamond, Ph.D.
and multiple High Ability site posts on Perfectionism

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Jonathan Safran Foer – about his novel Everything Is Illuminated, which made The New York Times best-seller list.

He also commented, “The writing itself is no big deal. The editing, and even more than that, the self-doubt, is excruciatingly impossible. Profound, bottomless self-doubt: it has no value, what’s the point? In a way, that takes up as much time as anything else.”

Do you relate to those ideas and feelings? Or these:

* Do you secretly worry that others will find out that you’re not as bright and capable as they think you are?

* Do you tend to chalk your accomplishments up to being a “fluke,” “no big deal” or the fact that people just “like” you?

* Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?

* Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your “ineptness?”

From the longer Impostor Syndrome Quiz on the site for the Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome program.

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The Psychology Today article, Field Guide to The Self-Doubter: Extra Credit, by Susan Pinker, excerpted below, brings insight into the thoughts and feelings many people have about being incompetent or impostors:

Not giving herself credit

Rosalyn Lang has a Ph.D. in molecular biology, has just completed a postdoctoral fellowship at Duke University, and recently launched her own consulting firm. In other words, she’s a walking advertisement for what it takes to be successful in science: smarts, opportunity, and perseverance.

Yet when she looks back, she takes little credit for her successes. “I felt inadequate the entire time I was in graduate school. If I got a nice compliment, I just felt, ‘What? They’re trying to pull my leg! I can get kicked out at any minute.’”

Feeling like an impostor

Lang now realizes she wasn’t really an impostor. She just felt like one. Like many highly accomplished women, Lang suffered from “impostor syndrome.” On the outside, she was a star and a role model.

Secretly, though, she chalked up her successes to powers beyond her control, and meanwhile felt personally responsible for any failures—a feeling shared by 93 percent of African-American female college students, according to one study.

External success. Internal agony

According to recent studies of medical, dental, and nursing students with impostor feelings, the phenomenon is linked to perfectionism, burnout, and depression. This was true for Rosalyn Lang, whose impostor feelings drove her to work harder. “The work ethic was great. That’s the kind of focus you need to get everything done in graduate school,” she said. But “internal agony” was how she described her psychological state.

Read the full article.

Six steps for matching perceptions to reality.

• Separate your self-assessments from objective evaluations of your skills. Group-based evaluations, promotions, and letters of reference are less biased than the world seen through “impostor”-colored glasses.
• Give yourself opportunities to compete. Don’t let your self-judgment prevent you demonstrating what you know.
• Reduce your isolation. Talk about your feelings with trusted friends and colleagues. Seek out a mentor or advocate in your organization who believes in you.
• Enjoy your successes and acknowledge praise when it comes your way.
• Resist the impulse to deny and deflect compliments.
• Remember that those who project an air of confidence may not know more than you do. Research shows that most people overestimate their abilities.

See Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome for more.

Also see the Impostor syndrome page for more quotes, articles, books etc.
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imposter phenomenon, impostor phenomenon, dealing with self sabotage, impostor feelings, perfectionism, fraud feelings

Psychologist Stephen A. Diamond, Ph.D. continues: “Once upon a time perfectionism was perceived not as neurosis, but rather as a sign of commitment, caring, and devotion to one’s work…” [From his article In Praise of Perfectionism.]

Performing arts such as ballet involve high levels of that kind of devotion to precision and excellence.

But one of the elements of the new movie “Black Swan” is how damaging perfectionism can be when pursued excessively, especially by someone with mental health challenges.

Continued in Creative Mind post Too Much Perfectionism.

See the post Kristen Stewart and shyness and sensitivity for one example.

In her article Jesse Eisenberg on playing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in ‘The Social Network’ (Los Angeles Times, Sept 27, 2010), Amy Kaufman described the actor as showing up for the interview irritated from accidentally seeing the last 30 seconds of the movie, that he had been avoiding it because he doesn’t like to watch his own performances.

“I’ve been so furious this whole morning about what I did in that scene,” Eisenberg said. “It’s just uncomfortable to watch me. Not in the same way that it’s uncomfortable to listen to your voice on an answering machine. I just felt that I didn’t get the scene right.”

Kaufman adds, “Given that the 26-year-old’s portrayal of an aloof, socially awkward Zuckerberg during the founding years of Facebook has already sparked some award buzz, Eisenberg’s self-critique may sound like typical false Hollywood modesty. Yet Eisenberg genuinely seems more panicked than excited by any acclaim.

“It feels like — and again, this is just the way my mind works, which is why I go to therapy twice a week — I immediately think that there could be nothing worse than getting that kind of attention,” he said.

“Because, how can you maintain that kind of level of interest and attention? And I really have worked hard and done well in other things that have gotten no attention. So it makes you feel like those kind of things are inconsistent.”

“It wasn’t important to us that Jesse do an impersonation of Mark Zuckerberg,” [screenwriter Aaron] Sorkin said in an e-mail. “Jesse came to work knowing the scene he had to do that day, and how he prepared — whether it was listening to Mark’s voice, fencing or standing on his head — was entirely up to him.”

But Eisenberg was exacting. During one scene in which his character is being deposed and has a notepad, he jotted down which takes he considered best.

For the 18 days of rehearsals and 72 days of shooting, [director David] Fincher said, Eisenberg was hyper-aware of his performance.

“He kept asking me, ‘Am I doing OK? Am I doing OK?’ And I was like, ‘Dude, ask anybody, if you’re not doing OK, I will let you know,’” Fincher said, laughing.

“I think he wouldn’t be as good as he is if he wasn’t hard on himself. But I hope he’ll get to enjoy it…. He got the very thing that we discussed time and time again about the film, which is: I want you to figure out a way to remain an enigma, and that’s a really hard thing.”

For more on the psychology and personality of acting and actors, see The Inner Actor.

I took about a year off from working on it – that sounds so much better than saying I just couldn’t face it.

Now I’m back in the fray and struggling with the same daunting standards.

Just what keeps me from creating? Psychologist Susan Perry talks about this at her Creating in Flow blog:

Creating can be an emotional process. But there’s good emotional—even when you’re sad or the work epitomizes sorrow—and there’s bad emotional.

That’s when your inner critic attacks you, calls you mean names, and causes you not to feel like creating anymore.

One of the ways you may slip out of flow when you’re creating something is if you don’t feel that what you’re producing—your internal feedback—matches what you had in mind originally, that is, your internal ideal.

Of course, apprehension due to such non-matching is helpful when it warns you to go back and revise the substandard work. In fact, that’s an essential part of the flow process.

It’s only dysfunctional when it makes you feel too bad to continue working, then or later.

According to Anne Paris, a clinical psychologist and author of Standing at Water’s Edge: Moving Past Fears, Blocks, and Pitfalls to Discover the Power of Creative Immersion, when the artist steps back from full immersion in the creative process, as she calls it, to a state of disengagement, it can be a time of reflection and consolidation.

“But the artist can also feel insecure, vulnerable and full of self-doubt.”

From Before You Create, Pacify Your Inner Critic by Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.

She is author of Writing in Flow: Keys to Enhanced Creativity

Related:

Audio: Interview with Susan Perry

Post: Anne Paris on the need for relationships to be creative

Articles:

Practical Strategies for Shifting the “I’m Not Enough” Gremlin, by Laura West

Criticism / Self-criticism articles and resources

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creativity book, psychology of creativity, creative anxiety, creative experience characteristics, dealing with self sabotage, critical inner voice, inner critic

Talented, by Hugh MacLeod – “Only Talented People Fret About Mediocrity”

“One of my favorite cartoons ever is a strip from Charlie Brown.

“Linus, the smartest of the Peanuts gang, has just received his first “B” ever on his report card, and now here he is, age six, fretting away about not getting into the college of his choice.

“‘I am burdened by a great potential,’ he exclaims.

“I couldn’t have put it any better. God knows I’ve tried.”

By Hugh MacLeod, Gapingvoid

[Published here under a Creative Commons license.]

See multiple posts that include the subjects mediocrity and perfectionism.

perfectionism, perfectionist, dealing with perfectionism, overcoming perfectionism, perfectionism books, gifted adult information, gifted adult personality

“Of course.” I paused. “But is that the music?”

“Many great musicians,” I continued, “have said that if you demand that they play all the notes correctly they can’t also make music.” …

“I keep hearing ‘No heart!’ ‘No heart!’” Tears came. “What am I supposed to do at this point? Go see the Wizard of Oz and get a heart? I’m really tired of hearing about this!”

I smiled. “Well, I have a simple solution. Feel free to play in a heartfelt way and the hell with the notes.”

From article Banishing Perfectionism, by Eric Maisel, PhD.

“If it’s worth doing it’s worth doing well.” Sounds good, but does the pressure to do something ‘right’ or ‘well’ stimulate us to experiment and grow?

As an invention, it doesn’t exactly qualify for a patent, but the energy and wit that inspired the tongue in cheek electric pencil in the photo is evidence of a willingness to think outside the box and take risks.

My own tendency toward perfectionism, coupled with persistent self-criticism, can be stifling. Maybe when Thomas Edison said “I have not failed.  I’ve just found 1,000 ways that won’t work,” he was really onto something.

Maybe a better saying would be “If it’s worth doing it’s worth screwing up.”

Psychologist and creativity coach Eric Maisel writes in one of his newsletters:

As children we start out with two positive energies. We love to experiment and make messes and we also love to get things right and feel that we’ve excelled at something. We might try to catch fly balls behind our back in practice—if we drop them, who cares? That’s our innate desire to experiment. In a crucial game, however, we want to catch the ball—and make a great catch while we’re at it. That’s our innate desire for excellence.

Many children begin to lose both desires. Because they are pressured to get things right they start to lose their taste for experimentation. Because much of what they do doesn’t rise to the level of excellence they begin to fear that excellence isn’t in them. Out of this dynamic arises a middle-of-the-road adult afraid to experiment and afraid to excel.

Excellence nevertheless remains a golden meaning opportunity for you! You can decide to do something really well. If you apply yourself and persevere, excellence is waiting. And how good it will feel!

Eric Maisel promises to help create a rich, satisfying life with his Meaning Solution
Program.

More articles by Eric Maisel.

Photo: Electric Pencil by Rob Watling.

These questions came up recently in a therapy session and catalyzed my looking more deeply into the nature and implications of this common expression.

The man with whom I was working felt it essential that they were always doing their best. In his case, this inclined him to constantly measure himself, as to whether he had acted at this optimal level.

He confessed that very often he was stuck in analyzing the past, debating whether his words or behavior were the very best choice.

When he wasn’t stuck in that groove he was typically fretting over future decisions, concerned that they might not be the very best choice. The nature of his inner voice was highly self-critical, addicted to measuring his actions.

The irony is that this individual was rarely present in the moment. He was either stuck in his past or fretting the future.

Doing the best you can sets up a never-ending competition within one’s own psyche. Competition has its place in our culture, but can you imagine never getting a time out from the competing?

People with such tendencies incline toward being perfectionists and I have learned that perfectionists are rarely present, as they ruminate the past and worry about the future.

To further illuminate this dilemma, I asked my client what might happen if as his therapist, rather than being actively present in listening to him, my thoughts were wandering off measuring whether my previous words to him might have been misplaced?

That would be completely unacceptable in my role as therapist, which would require my vigilance in being present.

This individual’s wife often complained about his not being emotionally available and we can readily imagine the impact of being wed to doing his best might have on his marriage.

I am not proposing that we shouldn’t selectively choose endeavors in which we really might try our hardest. With due moderation, doing your best, makes much sense very often.

But as a mantra of life it looks like a runaway competition and a throw away line. I believe that if we integrate the wish, I want to be present alongside I want to do my best we might begin to live a more balanced life.

And when we do choose to proclaim that we did our best, we should truly mean it.

Mel Schwartz is a psychotherapist whose work is focused on evolving consciousness and the transformative process. His website is Melschwartz.com

Source: Psychology Today

Photo: Perfectionism by Mr. Ush

Related:

Perfectionism articles

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overcome perfectionism, Mel Schwartz, perfectionism in the gifted, dealing with self sabotage

I think one area that needs to be addressed is what happens to these gifted individuals as they grow into adults.

Is the folk wisdom of “genius close to madness” the reality, or does the “cannonball theory” that nothing can stop these high achievers from getting through school and accomplishing their goals more the norm?

Having started in the field of gifted education decades ago and progressed into the age of Google, some of my former gifted students are re-discovering my whereabouts. In fact, some students held a 20 year reunion of students who had attended the Learning Center during the 70’s and 80’s.

So, on an anecdotal basis, I was able to discover the various paths these identified gifted individuals had taken. It was interesting to note that the majority had pursued their gifts achieving in their chosen fields. Some of the students had married other former students.

There was a high level of satisfaction expressed and an eagerness to share pursuits-as well as to reacquaint with a peer group that had been instrumental in their early development having been classmates from 2nd through 6th grade.

In comparing my experience with these individuals with the research on adults who were identified as gifted when they were children, it is evident that some studies do show that those who were able to utilize their talents, work in the company of other talented individuals, and have outside interests beyond their jobs thrived.

However, other studies noted that the same problems that plagued gifted children, such as social miscues, perfectionism, anxiety to achieve, and extreme self-criticism, also continued into the adult years.

It is evident that more research is needed in this area so that effective strategies in gifted education can be implemented that assist the young gifted to grow in healthy self-definition. In the meantime, understanding the unique challenges of gifted children and providing support and a peer group can be invaluable to their social and emotional development.

Carol McGaughey, Ed.D., is a Professor of Education specializing in Curriculum and Instruction at Houston Baptist University.

This is an excerpt from the article 9 Important Topics about the Social and Emotional Needs of the Gifted, by Michael F. Shaughnessy – based on an Interview with Carol McGaughey.

Also see more High Ability – gifted/talented articles.
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gifted adult development, predicting giftedness, gifted children, perfectionism and giftedness